A New Benchmark in Failure – NH Man Loses Life Savings Playing Carnie Games [Video]

Tuesday, April 30th, 2013

[The OG video has been removed from YouTube, but you can still see it here].

We’ve all been there–staring across at the rubber bucket, the glass milk bottle, or the hopelessly mis-sized basketball hoop with the certainty that where thousands of other players have failed, we would succeed in turning our hard earned cash into a big fucking stuffed panda at the carnival game booth, thus beating the system and proving that even within this cruel, dispassionate universe, the strength of one man’s will could momentarily supersede the cold, rigid laws of physics and carnival economics.

Or not.

Because in real life, unless you’re a cute girl or little kid playing one of these games, those laws never fail. Newton’s rules of physics always apply, as does the old adage “Never lose your life savings to a carnie at the ‘Tubs of Fun’ booth.”

Aside from ticking off every box in the list of stereotypes about people who lose their life savings at a parking lot carnival, Henry Gribbohm is haunted with the constant reminder of his failure: a big stuffed dreadlocked banana, fated to haunt him forever with his mouth twisted into a mocking smile.

In other words, I’m sure your day could be worse.

 


Get Ready for The Beastie Book

Monday, April 29th, 2013

It’s true: white people love coffee table books. There’s nothing better than sipping your coffee from your coffee table lazily flipping through your coffee table book, which accomplishes the task of making you look really cool and smart for doing nothing better than staring at mostly big color photos and skimming some text you’ll soon forget. It’s hipster-ness defined.

And what group could be better at bringing a wry smile to the face of the aging hipster at their coffee tables than this news: the surviving Beastie Boys (Ad-Rock and Mike D) have just signed a deal with Random House for a book “celebrating their history and aesthetic,” according to the New York Times.

What we know is this: former ego trip editor Sacha Jenkins will oversee the project (released by subdivision Spiegel & Grau, of Jay-Z “Decoded” fame), and it will be a loose oral history of the group with contributions from other writers, something more of a “multidimensional experience” than a straight memoir (perhaps like the short-lived Grand Royal mag, they say). Oh, and lot’s of pictures.

What we don’t know: much else, as it’s slated for 2015. Start shopping for that perfect coffee table now.

 


Davey D. Breaks Down The Link Between Rap Music And For-Profit Prison Corporations

Thursday, April 25th, 2013

By Davey D.

GoldenUndergroundTV recently released an interview I did with them late last year. I got a bit animated at the end. Only so many interviews in a row I could handle being asked about Chief Keef.

My tirade wasn’t really about Chief Keef. It wasn’t about Gucci Mane or Wocka Flocka or any of the acts spontaneously catapulted into stardom by synchronized mass media coverage despite seemingly universal indifference (at the very best) regarding their talent. Whose arrests, involvement in underaged pregnancies, concert shootouts, and facial tattoos, dominate conversation for weeks at a time, with their actual music a mere afterthought, if thought of at all.

My tirade was about marketing. It was about media powers seeking out the biggest pretend criminal kingpins they can find, (many of whom who shamelessly adopt the names of actual real life criminal kingpins like 50 Cent and Rick Ross), and exalting them as the poster children for a culture. It was about an art form reduced to product placement, the selling of a lifestyle, and ultimately, a huge ad for imprisonment.

(more…)


Master Of The Mix Episode 2 Recap

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

Episode 2 went down. It’s official…the show is horrible.

The formula is good, but the judges, hostess, and constant reminder that we’re watching “America’s best d.j’s” makes me resent my television like Trees resents my imperfect blog formatting skillz.

Where to begin?

In scene 1, they feature DJ Homme, the weirdo that made an Ipad interface. He declares, “I’m the minority on the show, being judged by a bunch of turntablists.”

Turntablists, of course, meaning anyone using a turntable.

(more…)


Dj JayCeeoh Lands Spot On VH-1′s “Master Of The Mix”

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

JTTS homey Dj JayCeeoh will be a cast member of VH-1′s Master Of The Mix reality show on April 1st.

He spent a few weeks in Miami taping the show, and since he’s sworn to a confidentiality agreement I have no idea how he did on the show.

$250K is at stake, and I’m sure he’ll break off the dj who taught him everything he knows if he wins.

 


RIP Boston Phoenix

Monday, March 18th, 2013

The Boston Phoenix is no more.

Play it off like it’s not a big deal, or you saw it coming, or your knew the switch to a glossy cover was a bad idea; all those things may be true, but it doesn’t mean much now. Not to be too dramatic, but waking up this morning, Boston is missing a little piece of its soul.

There’s no point in me trying to eulogize the newspaper, a task better left to others who will do a much better job somewhere else. The reasons for its closure are pretty stark, and what’s done is done. Unfortunately this is the current reality for local journalism, where excellent writers and editors are being asked to do more with less and less and less until…

But, for once, this isn’t meant to be soaked in pessimism.

Instead, we’d like to send off the Phoenix with a tip of the cap and a sincere thank you for 46 years of existence. Also a thank you to the awesome, passionate Phoenix staff, some of whom we’ve been lucky enough to talk, drink and work with in various capacities over the last five years. People like Derek Kouyoumjian, Shaula Clark, Barry Thompson, Ariel ShearerMelissa Ostrow and others, people I personally still like besides the fact that their publication nominated FratRap.tumblr for a “Best Website” award. I mean, they published a thinly veiled blatant college creep show fantasy story with the byline “Sleezy Treez,” got God’s sake. How are you not going to miss a paper like that?

Of course, the one person who hasn’t been mentioned is Chris Faraone, tattooed co-founder turned sometimes (by that I mean never) JTTS blggr. His absence here was telling: instead of bearing the cross for hardcore underground hip hop in the face of internet haters, he was traveling the country, writing a book, winning awards, hosting art shows, covering politics wasted and killing at least one prominent conservative pundit (that we know of). I was there when it first popped off…

(more…)


MILK GALLON SMASH

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

Best one is at 1:40


BREAKING NOOZ: RONNIE THE LIMO DRIVER SHOT BY CHRISTOPHER DORNER!

Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

Lulz.


WHEN PIGS KILL PIGS

Friday, February 8th, 2013

Thank you, violent American society in the age of sensational media….I look so forward to being hunkered in my Beantown abode drinking 1/4 pints of Paul Masson as 2 feet of snow paralyze my immediate surroundings over the next 48 hours, watching this drama unfold.

And what delicious drama it is. A cop on a psycho murder spree…the victim du jour? Other cops.

Ladies and gentlemen of the hood, we have a swine flu epidemic. As long as you’re not a cop, you’re safe. Pop your popcorn, and tune in to CNN. Best case scenario, numerous dirty cops get murked at the hands of a fellow cop. Worst case scenario, the filthy LAPD Department is succesful in  murdering one of their own. Must see t.v.

In case you’ve been living under a rock…or living in Lowell, you might not be aware of what I speak of. Lemme catch you up.

Former Navy lieutenant  turned pig, Christopher Dorner, was a happy go lucky 270 pound L.A. cop happy to perform his daily duties of locking up fellow brown people in the name of Christopher Columbus.

So one day, he sees a superior officer wrongfully abuse a mentally disabled man. The defenseless civilian, who was visibly a retard, was tasered, handcuffed, and kicked in the chest by Christopher’s co worker.

So ya boy has the bright idea of filing an internal complaint against a superior officer in the LAPD. Lemme break it down a lil more.

A black officer thinks he can snitch on a yt superior officer in one of thee most historically racially corrupt police departments this great Christian nation has ever seen. Not happenin.

So the LAPD reminds this crusader of justice of his nigger status by summarily firing him, and accusing him of filing false and slanderous claims against an upstanding retard abusing badge carrying pig. With all due respect.

Uh oh…Former military guy…uncle Tom ass nigga who achieved his dream of locking up black men…humiliated, slandered, disgraced, called a liar…wronged by the very system his Brent Gumbel ass bought into…Your boy loses it.

After getting fired, he falls back, writes a wacky manifesto, and plans out how he will gun down everyone that done did him wrong.

BOOOOM!

Retired Korean officer who testified against him…bong…your daughter is dead. So is her fgt ass fiance.

Another officer, and two others…bong…you caught that swine flu too.

Oh, did I mention? Homey is a trained marksman. He knows police protocol, and investigative practices…MUUUWAHAAAHAAAHHAAHA! I love it.

The same corrupt, life-destroying, racist, and corrupt system that is the municipal police force that built this bloodclot, is the same group of devils that shall feel his wrath.

Best bet the FBI, CIA, and KKK are on the case…he will be dead by the time Blizzard Nemo subsides…I’m just glad I get to watch it all as I reminisce on every dirty cop that fucked with me and my peoples.

Christopher, kill as many as you can…LAPD…kill that mufucka…either way, pigs are hunting pigs instead of us, and I’m just fine with that.


HEY, BLACK MENTAL HEALTH ALLIANCE OF MASSACHUSETTS…GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Saturday, January 26th, 2013

I saw this ad on TV and nearly fell off the couch.

Black cop informs all of Massachusetts that wearing your pants “Hip Hop style” can land you in prison for 3 years. “It’s the law”

Now don’t get it twisted, as an old as fuck father, I despise morons who walk around with they drawers on Front Street… but this shit right here ??

The Black Mental Health Alliance of Massachusetts…whatever the fuck that is… thinks it’s a good idea to jail Boston black men for wearing pants “Hip Hop style.”  Whose the president of this organization, Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Django?

Funny how weed gets decriminalized, and saggy pants become public enemy number one. The idea that I could do more time for rockin saggy pants than assaulting your grandmother is miraculous.

Fuck Deval Patrick, The BPD, and Mumbles Menino for letting this shit live on state-wide tv.

There is an annual “No Pants Day” on The T where hordes of riders ride the MBTA in their underwear. The papers and the news cover it, and everyone has a good laugh. Hear me. DOZENS of people in nothin but underwear riding the public transit system. Just went down 2 weeks ago in fact. Any of them doing 3 years in a state prison?

This is a blue law that Uncle Tom ass niggas spent thousands of dollars to promote on the air. Disgusting.

.


ILP VIDEO, CAN YOU PLEASE GET OFF JTTS.COM’S NUTS?

Monday, January 21st, 2013

ILPvideo.com, the poor man’s Worldstar, has someone employed to provide content for their site. This piece of shit is so inept at that simple task, he feels he has to troll our site, jack our poasts, and put them on ILP without giving us credit. Check these two poasts stolen from our site with no credit given,  that have garnered them over 35,000 views in 1 day.


Published on January 21, 2013


R. Kelly came on stage in Winston-Salem and literally performed one lyric. One lyric. He then invited all the women on stage. He then proceeded to smoke several cigars, a blunt of weed, and drink an entire bottle of what appeared to be chardonnay, possibly an expensive champagne. He remained on stage for over an hour, swaying back and forth, dancing with women, slapping hands of the audience. He didn’t perform another lyric and disappeared into a limo waiting for him outside. Several people paid upwards of $2000 for VIP Bottle Service for this event, while others paid approximately $500. The majority of the audience paid a cool $55 per ticket.

So Ghetto: MLK Day Celebrated By Damn Fools!

Hey, ILP douchebag…if you’re gonna have us do your job for you, bitin ass fgt…at least give us credit on your shitty site. Thanks.


WHITES ONLY LAUNDRY

Sunday, January 20th, 2013

Here’s to the fact that bleeding heart liberals can sometimes be more offensive than blatant racists.

This shit funny as hale.


ALL CHILDREN ARE HEAVEN SENT

Saturday, December 15th, 2012

I have a 5 year old son in kindergarten.

The thought of receiving a robo-call from the fire department to come retrieve him after a mass shooting – not knowing if he is one of the dead, is unbearable.

The reality 20 parents lived yesterday, of  being the last 20 parents at the fire department waiting for children they just sent off to school hours ago, only to learn that their tiny bodies are sprawled on a hallway floor, riddled with bullets from an automatic weapon, awaiting inspection from forensics experts is…frankly, enough to make anyone as crazy as the killer.

President Obama stood before the nation, visibly emotional, and wiped away his tears as he offered the affected families the nation’s condolences.

A CNN reporter, who has young kids of her own, broke down crying in the middle of her report. She said that camera men and reporters all over the scene were choking up, due to the especially heinous act of little children senselessly slaughtered.

The talk of gun control came up…but was quickly averted, because this was a time of mourning, and such discussions should take place later.

I felt like Pittsburgh reporter, Phil Connors, once again waking up at 6AM  in simple Punxsatawney, living out the same reel of life in a village full of idiots.

Humans of all cultures instinctively revere children as the closest thing to godliness. It disgusts me how American’s pick and choose which 5 year old kids are special.

Which 5 year old’s are worthy of the word “tragedy” when killed.

Which murdered 5 year old the president sheds a tear for in front of the world.

Which group of 5 year old’s prompts outrage on everyone’s Facebook page.

300,000 children under the age of  10 were murdered in Rwanda. Not 20 kids in a school. 300,000.

Babies, just like in Connecticut. Except their deaths were slow and tortured. Arms and limbs cut off as their mother’s are raped and village burned down.

5 year old’s, just like Connecticut. 300 fucking thousand. Dollars to donuts, all these overnight concerned child activists I see on Facebook didn’t have a single thing to say about it.

Last year in Norway, 77 people were killed at a kids summer camp, a majority of them campers. American’s chalked it up to”Dat shit’s craaaay.”

Remember in March, when 3 year old’s at a Jewish day care in France were shot in the head by a Muslim radical?

JTTS didn’t feel compelled to shut down poasts for that jawn.

1,447 Palestinian children under the age of 12 have been killed by Israel.

Uh…is this thing on?

In our president’s hometown of Chicago…107 children shot in the last 12 months.

As Mr. President wiped his tears for “our” kids on national television, I wondered if he gave any thought to the 160 kids killed by American Drone strikes in Pakistan since 2010.

Those toddlers were as innocent as the ones in Connecticut. Obama suggested I go home and hug my kid a little tighter last night. He could have given those Pakistani parents the same advice…given he all ’bout the kids and shit.

The families who experienced the most horrific form of loss yesterday…losing a child, deserve all the thoughts and prayers the world is showering them with.

My heart bleeds for the parents who experience the same horror, but because they are born in the wrong part of the world,with the wrong religion, or color, their loss isn’t as valid in America. They go without our prayers, words of encouragement, and support.

As my son safely fell asleep beside me last night watching Spiderman 3, I looked at him and thought about 300,000 Rwandan kids that look just like him…massacred, terrorized, tortured, while the world’s most powerful nation equates 20 lives more important than all of theirs.

When you mourn the precious lives of the children murdered in Connecticut, as we all have a moral obligation to…consider that any 5 year old child murdered, anywhere, is a reason to be disgusted.