.

Is this really happening?

We now live in an age where 2Pac holograms are headlining the biggest festival in the country..

No one can ever die now.

I do not know how I feel about this. On one hand, I am blown away by this.. on the other, it’s corny as fuck.

I am going to the Kurt Cobain hologram show.

Ikon the Verbal Hologram can literally be a fucking hologram.

I killed way to many brain cells this weekend. I don’t need this shit right now.

Fuck.

If I were paid out the rectum, I don’t know that I would entertain the whole billionaire boys club hobby of attending fashion shows. I assume the main motivation is meeting model type bishez…but there’s nothing sexy about  a Holocaust victim in a skirt to me. The whole scene seems shallow and sterile. People at these shows make a big deal about getting there, then once there, front like they’re disinterested and stay fuckin with they phones. Not to mention all the Aryan wet-haired douchebags you have to bump into in the bathroom.

Anyways, fast forward to :57  and peep a Jood out Shyne sitting next to Diddy asking himself what the fuck he was thinking coming to this bullshit.

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From the desk of General Stoor, JTTS Los Angeles Bureau Chief

Gimme. A. Fucking. Break.

I don’t have a lot of time right now, seeing as I’m too busy hanging out with porn stars, so I’m a be brief:

News Flash

Me and BBB are cool. Truth is he’s a righteous dude. He didn’t like my poast, so I reached out to him and we squashed it. It’s amazing what grown ups are capable of accomplishing when they set their minds to it.

Having said that, LOL at message board culture.  There’s a reason that people with healthy sex lives derisively refer to anonymous internet fgts as keyboard warriors. Fact is, there’s only one true warrior:

“Warrior says: Get out of the basement, go play outside, and embrace the power of Destrucity!!!”

Now if you’ll excuse me…

Read dude’s full letter:

To: The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, Guns N’ Roses Fans and Whom It May Concern,

When the nominations for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame were first announced I had mixed emotions but, in an effort to be positive, wanting to make the most of things for the fans and with their enthusiasm, I was honored, excited and hoped that somehow this would be a good thing. Of course I realized as things stood, if Guns N’ Roses were to be inducted it’d be somewhat of a complicated or awkward situation.

(more…)

So a roaming hoard of tweens mugged me last night. Here’s how it went down:

I had a late night meeting with the manager of a new club in Cambridge. I left Central Square at 10 pm and got to the Stony Brook T-Stop in JP at 10:30 pm.

I leave the station. There are still plenty of people around walking to their various destinations.

2 minutes later, I take a left onto my street and I start to notice there is a presence behind me. I think I was texting. I suddenly hear someone running. At this point I’m convinced it’s Treez being an asshole so I don’t even bother to turn around.

BAM! The first tween barrels into my lower back and sends me to the sidewalk. “YO WHAT THE FUCK!!!???” The next one comes at me and takes a swing, misses (I think) and suddenly I’m on my feet.

I look up to see a gauntlet of 3 more tweens coming at me, and I run to the sidelines like I’m in the NFL. They miss me and I keep running. Then the last tween at the end of this adolescent thug-line charges at me with a stick. Another swing and a miss.

They keep running one way and I another. Then I backtrack to my apartment and go inside.

A Couple of things:

There was a car parked on the side of the road under a lamp post watching this all go down and they didn’t do shit. Also, while I was running away from the last sets of tweens I was screaming “YOYOYOYOYOYO” which brought out the nosy YTs from their comfy JP homes on my street. They just stood around and gossiped. Didn’t offer to help or even ask if I was OK.

Now my soon to be mid-30s body is covered in scrapes and bruises, but for the most part, I got off easy. Nothing was taken. Either these tweens were just looking to rough up some hipster Yts in their neighborhood or they are REALLY bad at mugging people. C’est la vie.

Anyways, I called the police and for a split second thought of how Cam’ron would have been disappointed in me. The cops asked me a bunch of asinine questions. Blah, blah blah… “So about 6 Hispanic or Cape Verdean teens between 5 foot 2 and 5 foot 5 with hoodies and sticks?” Yep. I knew they weren’t gonna find em.

Now I’m on my way to the army-navy store to buy assorted weaponry since I found out I’d have to wait 3 weeks for a license to carry pepper spray. But a Rambo knife? No problem.

Point is, YOU CAN GET ATTACKED BY TWEENS ANYWHERE. Boston is still a city. Be on your guard. Oh yeah and someone stole my identity today too and is buying gas and candy in Georgia. FML.

JFC. Black people of America, can we make a deal? If a news team is in your neighborhood and you live south of Pennsylvania, just say,  ”Sorry, no comment, my cousin from Connecticutt isn’t here to represent me.”

From the desk of General Stoor, JTTS Los Angeles Bureau Chief

“Cause it’s ’88, time to set it straight…”  -Big Daddy Kane, Ain’t No Half-steppin’

Well, really it’s 2012, but I feel compelled to bring you, my loyal readers, the pure, unadulterated truth…

So I’m at my “office” the other day when my favorite bartender, <slave name redacted>, introduces me to a gentleman who’d just sat down next to me (after originally trying to steal my seat). “Meet <slave name redacted>“, she says, “he’s a rapper too”. “My name’s <slave name redacted>“, I say, “what do you go by?”  “BBB” is his reply. “Cool, I’m General Stoor.” General Stoor. Those two magic words. All of a sudden dude’s buggin out. “You’re the dude that writes for JTTS? The porn guy? Do you know Trees? Do you know DJ Onion? Is Faraone really the closeted homosexual his poasts make him out to be? Why does he listen to such shit music?” I felt like Prince Akeem in Coming to America when he ran in to the Zamundan vendor at the basketball game.

“I will cherish this experience for the rest of my life”

Fucking kill me. Thanks to Trees’ hard hitting “investigative journalism” all of you JTTSetters are already aware of my recent run-in with psychopath rap superstar commenter extrodinaire, BBB a.k.a. Big Bennett Bionic. It was a watershed moment in this young man’s life. I know this because he immediately took to the interwebs to brag about meeting me. Wanna know who doesn’t brag about meeting me? Women. Know who else? Normal people.

My first ever interaction with Mr. Bionic was a virtual one. It took place in the comments section of my soon to be Pulitzer Prize nominated poast, Porn to be Wild Pt. 2. It went thusly:

Needless to say, I didn’t take him up on his offer to hang out…

Luckily for me, when we did finally meet, BBB was kind enough to explain to me what “go hard in the paint means”. It has something to do with getting banned from a North Hollywood watering hole “because the bouncers were jealous that he was pulling too many chicks”!!! I can’t make this stuff up. He did play me a pretty good song that he made though.  It was called “Adrianna”, and I think it was about a pet that he had that had passed away.

Dude’s nuts. Straight up and down. After taking to UGHH with his story and having it poasted about on this very site, I receive this text from Mr. Humble:

Actual text from BBB

I swear to (based) God that the only good thing to come out of all of this was getting to delve into the UGHH forum culture for the first time. Virgins of the world unite. It was all rather funny, save for one unsavory tidbit aimed at yours truly:

6854 message board poasts since 2010 = No pussy for Orien

This dude must be from Natick. Doug Flutie sucks. You suck. Nobody talks junk about Framingham. It’s the home of such luminaries as myself, Tall Matt, Godforbid, and Jaxn. We also have a women’s prison, where, were you to comb it’s halls while waving two fistfuls of pardons, I suspect you still would not be able to get laid. I’ma see you you sissy.

Stay tuned for next time as I bring you the epic tale of my sexual exploits with a reformed(?) white supremacist chick on the evening of the epic game six of the 2011 world series.

so earlier I was looking over the forums at UGHH.com – of which I am still a moderator (longest running mod of all time? bung bung) and I happen upon this poast:

“Interesting” I thought..

Now you all know BBB is a regular commentator both here at JTTS and over there @ UGHH. You may remember BBB from such amazing moments in JTTS history as this recent one or maybe this classic(?) one.

So I click on the poast and I’m like.. who did dis muhfukka meet out in Cali?

I read on.. and I am met with horrific amounts of disrespect, per standard on UGHH.com.. and then I see the mystery man:

(more…)

I am really messed up right now. This morning I heard a cat crying for help and saw it had climbed to the top of a giant tree and was clinging on in the wind on small ass branches for dear life. I called 911 to ask for help and they said they don’t save cats in trees and the operator told me “it will come down when it’s hungry”.. then hung up on me.

There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t climb the tree to save the cat and I had to leave to go to work. I had to make a difficult choice because I new there was literally nothing I could do. I abandoned the cat in the tree, but before I left it made eye contact with me and gave a long cry.. almost as if to say “Don’t leave me..”. As I turned to look at the tree from my car all I could see was was the cat on the branch, and the wind blowing around that cat’s small ass branch like it was nothing.

I feel like crying my dudes.

The key to scoring pussy on Craigslist is having the ability to create a great title line. You have to be on some Madison Avenue marketing shit to be an effective cocksmith on Craigslist.

What’s the tag line that will entice a complete stranger to open her vaginal canal to another complete stranger?  Something that says witty, intelligent, manly, non-threatening, and confident.  For instance, my most successful title line to date garnered me twenty five responses. By twenty five, I mean from actual women…I’m not counting the other forty five responses coming from gay dudes, trannies, bots, and straight dudes who want to bro up over a “straight” jerk off session.

Before I get to my title line o’ the century, consider this; Craigslist’s Casual Encounters is the reception area where the freakiest mufuckaz in your hometown gather. To some degree, everyone up in this bitch is a sexual addict seeking some sort of fix.

Look at it like attending a house party where you might want to cop yourself some trees. As you ask around, someone may say, “I aint got weed, but I can hook you up with some coke.” The next man may have some shrooms for sale. You may have to go through five oxy salesmen before you find yourself what you’re looking for. In the same way you shouldn’t get offended by someone offering you cat tranquilizer when you just want some ganja, you shouldn’t be offended by someone who wants you to stick your dick in their ass whilst seeking pussy. You’re at the party and everyone is invited, just worry about coppin your piff.

Here’s a breakdown of who will be responding to your ad and how to sift through the bullshit.

(more…)

In the first 10 minutes, we learn that yung Alfa witnessed his moms (a former skrippuh)  repeatedly beat up when he was 3. At 8 he was boosting boxes of Twinkies. He bout that murder life.

My only criticism, as an uppitty Northern bleck, is that this hour long documentary isn’t accompanied with subtitles. Shit goes hard though.

I can identify with him. You never know when Cupid is gonna rear his chubby yt baby face on yo ass. In his mind, he got her for 60 bucks, but he’ll make it up to her by droppin 60 on a night of Dave & Busters ‘n complimentary roundtrip train fare. It’s easy to play Sunday gunpoint robbery quarterback from your safe couch, but a man smitten with love lets his heart call the plays.  Only Jesus can judge, and he was into prostitutes, so how the fuck you think he gonna call this shit?

.

But, this is what the other half of the Masters is up to.

No big deal.

Just making mixtapes with Jazzy Jeff, Gaslamp Killer, Vajra, Revolution, Mick Boogie and some small town DJ named Z-Trip.

SUPER 7 Volume 5 ft. JAZZY JEFF, REVOLUTION, Z-TRIP, VAJRA, GASLAMP KILLER, MICK BOOGIE by DJ JAYCEEOH