If you’ve no clue what I’ve been up to since September, then you must have missed the perpetual flatulence that my JTTS colleagues have blown in my direction over the past few months. In that event I can only assure you that I was working on a project that’s at least half as important as my duty here, which is primarily to remind one and all that any hip-hop recorded after 2001 is guilty until proven innocent.
By now it’s no secret that the shit-ass Frat Rap Tumblr is nominated for a Phoenix award, while the illustrious JumpTheTurnStyle is not. Anyone who thinks I’m the reason for that is precisely right; on account of an obvious potential conflict of interest, we can’t nominate a blog that I personally fuck with. Which raises the serious issue of whether Chris Faraone – the swiftest damn punslinger on this motherfuck – even writes for JTTS anymore.
As a matter of fact I do. I’ve just been equal parts lazy, busy, and inebriated, not to mention in need of a significant break from hip-hop. You see, I’m completely comfortable with being that old guy who hates every shred of success that Lil Flame and Waka Flocka Wayne attain, but it takes a whole lot of work to identify the errs of my contemporaries and recommend substantial alternatives to needy rap fans. I can only prop Action Bronson so many times. It’s ridiculous already.
Which is why I’m making a commitment to start listening to shitty hip-hop. Or southern hip-hop. Or whatever the stupid kids and college pukes are calling it these days. I’ll be taking all of your suggestions – even though most of you don’t know shit about rap music, and are probably still reeling from your cheap two-month tango with dubstep, which still doesn’t show up in my spellcheck, and probably never will now that I declared it dead and done.
So here’s the big, unanswerable question: what did I miss during my hiatus? I got that new Homeboy Sandman shit, and it’s amazing. Also feeling the new Jake the Snake, and looking forward to what Reks has cooking. There’s a new Tajai album in my box that I’ll be bumping, and I heard that I should check the new Copywrite. And Blacastan too. Word to Blacastan. But otherwise, why shouldn’t I have taken a few months off? Fuck you. And did I mention Action Bronson?
Lastly – I just wanted to make one last point about how the scum-sucking Frat Rap Tumblr is nominated for the Phoenix Best poll while this blog isn’t. The other reason for the omission is that, to be frank, I don’t trust Trees around awards. The last time he wrapped his no-good libertarian fist around a trophy, dude started cursing out his friends for no reason. Haven’t seen him that mad since he lost funding to star as Rick Moranis in the sketchy interpolation skin flick, Honey I Blew the Kids.
So I’m returning home. At least as much as I can be for now. I actually have a bunch of emails and press releases that I need to mush through my meat grinder and get up on this blog. But other than that I’ll be pushing my new book, which I don’t really expect anyone who frequents JTTS to be interested in anyway. I’m heading to SXSW in a few weeks, and will no doubt return with a whole heap of hip-hop to hate on. That’s my promise. My name is Chris Faraone, and I approve this message.
Like I said – Kenny Powers ain’t the only one back on the mound.
