So I’m slated to host some sort of swanky benefit in August…the twist is, it’s an LGBT Fundraiser.
I envision stuffy big pocket donors at each table asking why the host keeps saying “Pause” after every sentence and giggles.
I accepted the gig.
I need to come up with some crowd friendly monologue that won’t offend people but will resonate with the gays. I believe in supporting LGBT equal rights, and want to add whatever magic I can on the crowd that night. Pause.
Please don’t submit any juvenile suggestions like:
1.) What’s the matter, you can take a dick but you can’t take a joke?
2.) Good evening, ladies and lesbians…
3.) Sorry if you don’t get some of my jokes, this is the first gay crowd I’ve performed in front of since my gig last year at the Newton Boy Scout Pack Leader Convention.
4.) Any of you fags smoke weed?
5.) I immediately accepted this gig cuz I thought LGBT stands for Lou Gosset Breakfast Truck…I came for the sausages….and boy, did I get em!
6.) …And don’t get me started with anal beads!
7.) If my 5 year old son watches gay kiddy porn…is it technically alright since he’s also their age? I mean, from a legal standpoint…a kid watching other kids suck cock isn’t legally wrong, right? I mean…I meant that as more of a kiddie porn joke, not a gay thing related to kiddie porn…I mean…let’s all just forget I said that. Let’s start over.
8.) All the ladies in the house, make some noise if you love softball.
9.) Kids these days complain about growing up gay…try growing up in Boston as a Black Jew.
10.) JKFGT to the stage…JKFGT…to the stage…
Like I said – I want this to be a classy act. Help me out, my ninjas.