How To Lie, Cheat, and Steal Your Way Through Summer
Posted on June 8, 2009 by Chris Faraone
In the Boston Phoenix that drops this coming Thursday, I have an article about free stuff to do around town this summer. It’s funnier than the average service piece that you would find in a daily paper or on the nightly news, but it’s not exactly what I initially wrote. My first draft – most of which is copied here below – was essentially a guide to scumbagging your way through the entire summer. And while my editors are generally cool with my degeneracy, they just decided that some of this was a bit much. In other words, they have a conscience. Fortunately, no such conscience exists on JumpTheTurnStyle, so here’s a low life to do list that works here or in any other city…
Accumulate free stuff from Craig’s List
Craig’s List may no longer be a safe place to pick up prostitutes or med students, but there’s still a lot of trash available on the embattled web site. A quick glance at the “free” section on the Boston page reveals that within 10 miles of Phoenix headquarters anyone with a pick-up truck or molester van can cop a couch, coffee table, futon, snow blower, desk, lawnmower, guinea pig, deep freezer, and 50 gallons of used cooking oil. If you can’t throw a good party with half of that stuff, then you’ll never figure out how to have fun without spending money.
Pull the free parking trick
This doesn’t work everywhere. So be careful, and, more importantly, when you get caught, don’t tell security that I sent you. The first step is to find a garage that offers the first half-hour free. Once the lot is chosen, simply park there for as long as you want – weeks even. When it’s time to retrieve the vehicle, simply walk through the gate, get a new ticket, and use that one at check-out. Video surveillance might catch up to you in a few months, but you’ll be good for the time-being.
Sneak into the Marriott Cambridge pool
Beside my ability to hand-whisk heavy cream into whipped deliciousness, slipping past pool security guards is my greatest skill. If you’re new to this hustle, I suggest starting with hotels on the outskirts of town, where they’re rarely patrolled. But when you’re ready for Olympic level trespassing, go for the third floor oasis at the Marriott Cambridge in Kendall Square; it’s the Mecca of forbidden spas – a single sheet of smooth steel that makes Pee Wee Herman’s nemesis Francis’ pool look like a trailer park hot tub. Dive in.
Slaughter a wild turkey and barbecue it
As I recently learned from my editor, Brookline is in danger of being overrun by wild poultry. Help curb this crisis by using that blow gun, machete, or whatever other weapons you have left over from your kung-fu phase to pulverize a smorgasbord of these cluckers. Just be sure to wear shoes – as they’re known to bite toes – and to clean, salt, and boil thoroughly before applying gravy and mashed potatoes. And, if possible, make sure your neighbors don’t see you creeping in a ninja costume.
Threaten your banker
This might not work for people who are so poor that they’re reading articles about how to cheat and steal all through the summer, but if you’re cheap with a fat checking account, then inform your bank that you’ll be transferring every penny to their competitor. Watch them court you with lollypops, goodie bags, fee waivers, and all sorts of other worthless gestures; but don’t even bother trying if you’re a Bank of America customer – they simply don’t give a fuck.
Commandeer beer and weed from college students
Since babies pout and cry when you rob them, this truly is easier than stroller-jacking for candy. You simply walk through the halls of any freshman dormitory, listen for loud guys and giggling girls, then knock, introduce yourself as the resident advisor, and say something along the lines of: “Sorry kids – I don’t have to write you up this time, but I do have to confiscate these Coronas and that quarter-ounce of Maui Waui sitting next to that double-barrel bubbler.” For fun, you might want to compound the injury with, “You’ll thank me for this later.”
Sell your gold to MC Hammer
Iced down medallions are so last year anyway. Now that such celebrities as Ed McMahon want to melt your gold down, there’s no reason to keep lugging around four-finger rings, frost-bitten gangsta grillz, and oyster perpetual Rolexes – you’re bound to get arthritis anyway. When people ask why you’ve parted with family heirlooms and prized possessions, say that you thought it was tasteless to floss while so many people starve, which is the same reason that you downgraded to 18-inch spinners on the Lexus coupe.
Grab lunch at the State House
In my four years covering the State House off and on, I’ve gotten free lunch just about every time I’ve ever been there. During legislative sessions, the Great Hall is regularly used for honorary lunches and lobbying efforts. Sometimes nurse advocates are hosting; other times veterans or teachers bring the food; but one thing is always certain – there will be leftover ginger ale and tuna sandwiches.
Grow marijuana
When you voted for Question 2, you didn’t just cast an affirmative ballot so that future weed offenders can avoid criminal offender record brands. Heads abound also voted “yes” so we could get stoned and carry bags, and so we can experiment with homegrown cannabis without fear of prosecution and eviction. Just send a note to friends that you’re collecting stray seeds, and everything else you need to know is on the internet, which, if you have the same neighborly arrangement that I do, costs absolutely nothing.
Get yourself a sugar momma/daddy for a month
I know that I don’t need to tell aspiring fashion models out there how to work Abe & Louie’s for rich old crumbs who trade cocktails and shopping sprees for sex; but so many young people are virtually whoring these days that there might be room on the playing field for even moderately attractive gals and gents. Just remember – you’re a small-town kid trying to pay your way through Harvard med school, and who only eats Mediterranean beluga.
Compile a silly article about free stuff that is of no real use to anybody
This is easy – simply imagine everything that you’ve ever wanted to do but have been too cowardly to pursue, and then suggest that your readers test the waters. Just be sure to avoid the trappings of generic budget-conscious Boston articles; and even if you can’t – separate yourself from other writers by waging unprovoked wholesale warfare on all service features. Trust me – it’s easier to fake than you might think.
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HONORABLE MENTION:
Shaws Supermarket Salad Bar – Take your time loading up your plastic container…thoughtfully take a taste of what you just loaded up…hey, you’re just getting a quick taste to decide. 13 laps later, you will have shoved enough tuna, eggs, chicken, cheese, and seafood salad to give you the itis.
“I’m The DJ” – Show up to a club hours before the night starts holding a small crate of records. Whatever security guard schlub working the door will take your word for it – if he claims he knows who the dj is…tell them you’re assisting him for the night. Works every time.
Rape – Not only will you get free pussy, but if you get locked up, your living rent free and receiving free meals.
I was the KING of “I’m the DJ” four summers ago. I kept a crate in my car of bullshit just to get into middlesex whenever I wanted.
which one is the marriott in cambridge?
it’s jeff’s roof last summer!!!!
OH, and BTW when i used to live in brookline, i actually saw wild turkeys on beacon st! stopping traffic and trains, pluck that.
haha that list is legit!
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