Poor Yt’s Guide To Wine

I’ve got nothin to talk about so I’m gonna write about wine to meet my jtts deadline.

It’s no secret I love me some red wine. JK-3PO and Treez can attest to this. I’ll probably be a red wine drinker from now until I die.

In a way I see it kind of as a progression. As a yung yt male, most of us start by sippin a beer. Then as an adolescent / pre-teen, you try hard liquor. Vodka, Peppermint Schnapps, Sambuca…fill the bottle up with water so someone’s parents don’t know and spend the next morning puking, wanting to die. Malt liquor’s introduced later on. Then one day you realize the money saved buying (or having someone buy you) a Colt 45 isn’t worth the next day’s hangover.

Keggers, ice luges, the spins, blackouts, bars, shots, years of shit beers and debauchery…… then eventually at some point it’s wine time.

Now I used to buy a bottle of red wine nightly before I realized the move was to buy shit in bulk, mainly from Trader Joe’s, the mecca of alcoholic beverages for all yts. For the record, I don’t claim to be an expert on red wine, but I have a learned a few things that I’ll share with those ballin on a budget that care about how they feel the next day.

Top 4 Cheap/Quality Red Wines IMO:

1. Charles Shaw Nouveau

Everyone talks about “2 Buck Chuck” but there’s only one category of that brand you should fuck with. Although seasonal, Charles Shaw Nouveau’s the cheapest and best one out there for price & quality. $2.99 a pop. Incredibly light in body (NH) and virtually no hangover if consumed slightly responsibly. There’s also the Shiraz and Merlot but those can’t compete in price, taste and physical repercussions. Nouveau’s usually available between March and April. If you see it, buy as much as you can because that shit’ll disappear in a few weeks time. F’real. Frugal yt’s literally hoard this shit. I’ve seen silver tops backing up the Windstar to Trader Joe’s and buying 20 cases of this stuff when in season.

2. Green Finn Red Table Wine.

An organic red wine from California (MURICA). Shit tastes BETTER than Charles Shaw Nouveau AND is available year-round. The only reason it doesn’t get the number one rating is because it sells out constantly and is $3.99 a pop. Still, it’s kind of a toss up.

3. Villa Cerrina Montepulciano D’Abruzzo Stallone Vincenzo Linguini Mario Luigi

I’m not going to lie I just started fucking with this one. Bearded bro at Trader Joe’s wearing a wine cork necklace said it was light in sulfites and pairs perfectly with pizza (OH COOL!). It’s $4.99 and tastes decent. Some Italian shit. Fair enough.

4. Well Re(a)d

Ok this kinda tastes like ass but it’s organic and contains “no detectable sulfites” which means it’s very easy on the hangover tip. $4.99 a pop. Vegan-friendly too broooooo. If you care less about taste and more about getting work done the next day, then this is that shit.

 

And here are the Top 4 Wines IMO that pretend to be quality but make you feel like shit:

1. Yellow Tail (Lies In A Bottle)

2. Bare Foot (Garbage)

3. Sutter Home (Fuck off)

4. Carlo Rossi (They probably know they are a shit wine, but steer clear of the big ass bottle).

4 Responses to “Poor Yt’s Guide To Wine”

  1. DJ ON&ON Says:

    I regularly drink wine, but I like white…like my mothers.
    I’ve pretty much got the pallate of a teen girl…Zinfandel, Prosciutto (Is that a cheese?)…oh shit – Persecco – some shit like that…and the official black woman’s wine – Moscato.

    I went through a 2 month phase where I literally drank a Zinfandel Box O’ Wine every single day.

    Red wine is too vinegary for me – tastes like I’m drinking heartburn.

    As gay as it was…good poast, Knife.

  2. Fiki Says:

    Vinho Verde, best damn white wine you can get at TJs. That shit sells out the day it comes in during the summer…at least in Brookline

  3. Sleezy Trees Says:

    I miss the old faithful sound of Knife opening a bottle of wine right before a Lil B video was played on the living room TV.

  4. tommee Says:

    The best part of this poast is that Knife sticks to alco form and unabashedly rates these wines from a “what you can drink a ton of without getting sick” perspective. However, I find it curious that there was no mention of Chaser, as I feel that could have an impact as well…

    I have a few extra tips to add for the JTTS budget connoisseur:

    1) Buy a wine aerator. I know it sounds high brow – but it seriously will make a $5 a bottle of wine taste like a $15 bottle of wine. It especially works well on dry reds.

    2) As a general rule of thumb – stay away from wines that have pictures of animals on the label. There are a lot of wines out there – and you can’t be an expert on all of them – but this for some strage reason usually holds true.

    3) When going on the cheap, stick with non-popular grape varieties – don’t try to find a sub $5 cab, merlot, or pinot noir. Stick with Spanish varieties, Italian, etc. (Vinho Verde is a fantastic cheap Portuguese wine – but it’s also one of the weakest varieties from an alcohol % stance)

    4) Stay away from wine manufacturers that offer large bottles or boxes. Although sometimes it can be fun to ball out with a box of Franzia.

    5) Always drink wine with hip-hop.

    4)

Leave a Reply