DANNY BROWN AND ASAP ROCKY ARE INTO KATHY GRIFFIN. FOR THE RECORD I COULD HAVE BAGGED HER FIRST.

Saturday, June 30th, 2012

Kathy Griffin models some sexy lingerie for VH1

1998, I”m in Vegas at the Billboard Awards with my man Papito The Barber from the BX.

I used to set up my shit in his barber shop on Valentine and rock for 12 hours a day while he cheffed heads up. Jadakiss, DJ Ekim, Lord Tariq, dude from Natural Resources, and an all star cast of Dominican coke lords were some of his more notable clientele.
I was 23 with a bangin hairline and more pussy to deal with than the JP MSPCA. When I would rock at the after hours in Mott Haven, he would be beside the boof lining heads up with his razor. That was our shtick…he told his clientele he rolled with his personal on site dj, and I told mine I rock with the best barber in New Yiddy on site. Amazing what makes sense when you’re 23.

We were steadily over-achieving. That was the year Hot97 held it’s first on-air dj contest. The caller with the best introduction to a song bagged a 4 hour slot alongside Angie Martinez. I won and brought Papito with me. S.W.V. was in the studio as I hosted my show. I asked them to step to the mic because I was such a fan. They complied. I went in. “Two questions, SWV…has Dennis Scott ran a train on the three of you, and wouldn’t Sisters With Vaginas be a more fitting monicker?” (If Faraone is reading…Dennis Scott was an NBA player married to one of S.W.V’s members.)

Angie pushes the dump button and we’re escorted out. Amazing what makes sense when you’re 23.

Back to Vegas. Papito finagled an interview with Vidal Sassoon. Not the company. The fucking guy. I didn’t know how, and I didn’t ask. Vidal flew him to Vegas and put him up in the MGM. I rolled with him. I have anectodotes for days from that one trip. From the prostitute who had a seizure in our room, to standing next to Mike Tyson on stage as he beatboxed on the mic while I tried acid for the first time…Which brings me back to Kathy Griffin.

We’re standing in line at the Hard Rock Casino for some industry party where I would do acid for the first time standing next to a beat boxing MIke Tyson. As we get to the entrance…this is no fuckin joke…I see Kathy Griffin standing next to Rappin 4-TAY.

She was on some up and coming shit at the time, but I knew who she was…and here she was at some West Coast gully ass hip-hop type shit with Rappin fuckin 4-TAY.

No joke. For a solid 45 seconds, we exchanged glances, looked each other up and down, and considered fucking each other. I know she was down. I was just stuck on being a live 23 year old BX ninja intent on baggin up Queen Pen or better.

Every time I see Kathy on tv I remember our sacred moment, and how ridiculous 4-Tay looked in his perm. If I played my cards right, I would have been Mr. David Griffin today. Damnit.

Here go Danny Brown and Asap Rocky talmbout my bitch.

WOULD YOU HIT? COMMENTS PLEEZ.


CHRIS BROWN DISSES DRAKE VIA CHIEF KEEF…HIP HOP WOULD RATHER LISTEN TO J-HOOD VS. GUDDA GUDDA

Saturday, June 30th, 2012

“A fuck ni**a, that’s that shit I don’t like/ They throwin’ bottles, I’m  throwin’ models, just ’cause I give a bitch long pipe. Doing shows on the soccer field/ that’s dome right? I be singin’, he be singin’, so it’s on, sight/ But hold up, I ain’t give  a ni**a no green light/ This head up, my bread up, one-on-one, what you  scared, bruh?/ Matter fact, take care bruh, you a pu**y ni**a/ My ni**a  Tunechi, yeah that ni**a nice/ Shout out to Nicki, man that ass tight/  Them eyebrows, man, them shits is yikes/ OVO, you overdosed, screamin’ YOLO no, I live twice.”

It goes down at 1:25


HORROR ON HIAWATHA. MAXINE CLINGING TO LIFE. DJ ON&ON UNDER SUICIDE WATCH

Saturday, June 30th, 2012

In a stunning turn of events, JTTS personality #CandiceTracyTova was involved in a life threatening scooter crash with JTTS personality Maxine Friday night.

My alleged son had an 8 year old  shorty over, and he was content with a little Gamecube private time with ol girl without his old man breathing down his neck. I let him know there was Ginger Ale in the fridge and Magnums in the dresser. I hopped on Maxine headed for Hiawatha St. where Tracy and her sister Candice anticipated feeding on my lightskinned largesse.

Shit was gravy. We played the stoop sippin on Heinekens and discussing the return of D’angelo at nauseum. Candice let it be known that she doesn’t like the last bar of cheap soap she copped, cuz it leaves her skin dry. Tracy was busy texting her next door neighbor’s girlfriend with updates of his whereabouts. He was fuckin his bm at the moment, but Tracy informed the girlfriend that he wasn’t home. “I’m cool with both of them, but shit, I knew him first.” All was well in the hood.

Three beers and a Lavender Kush Dutch later, Candice decides I should give her a ride on Maxine. I’m game. But before we do anything, I feel the need to make a speech about Scooter Lyfe. “If both of us are riding, we have to be as one! If I move, you move…I shift back, you shift back…our routine gotta be tight like the New Edition If This Isn’t Love video! So I want you to get a feel for it first! Get on!”

I’m Candice’s daddy. What daddy says, Candice does.

So she’s on some wobbly wobbly wop shit on the sidewalk, jerking forward five feet at a time, unable to get enough speed to put her Graham Cracker delicious legs off the ground. I yell out, “Get off the sidewalk and go on the street! You’ll be able to go faster!”

Daddy has spoken.

Candice gets on the street attemping to make a u-turn back to me. All of a sudden…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMPPPP!

Only sweet baby Jesus knows why she decided to give it maximum gas. I never knew Maxine could reach such speeds. Maxine turned into Jackie Joyner-Kersey being chased by the Ku Klux Klan, Boston Police, and a pack of pitbulls. It was like she was spooked for God sakes.

It happened so fast but appeared in slow motion. I quietly uttered, “Turn….turn….turn…”

Candice was not turning. She was headed at Flash Gordon speed towards a chain link fence guarding a house and yard. Maxine’s motor was deafening. And then it happened. Shit was like an old Batman episode. SMACK! POW! ZOINK! JKFGT!

ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE CARNAGE

A flock of hood pigeons flew into the heavens, startled by the sudden obstreporous tragedy. Then deafening silence. A concerned humanitarian, I sprinted over to make sure Maxine Candice was alright. Both my girls were embedded into the fence, smoke bellowing from Maxine’s mighty muffler.

As of press time, Candice is nursing debilitating scrapes to her chest, arm, and leg. Her wedding ring, however, escaped unscathed. Maxine is still rideable, but lost her mirror, and suffered life threatening cracks and a bent handlebar.

I ask the JTTS community to respect our privacy during these trying times. A press conference will be held shortly.


Lela.

Friday, June 29th, 2012

Hollar at the gods:

jumptheturnstyle@gmail.com

send dem pix. prove your worth.


Is This EL-P / Zola Jesus Collabo Performance on Conan The Single Most Disappointing Performance I’ve Forced Myself To Stay Up For?

Friday, June 29th, 2012

First off, yes. It was 11:55 PM or so when this aired. I am an old fucking man. I was tired and wanted to rest these old bones.

Second, I’m a big fan of both El-P and Zola Jesus (I have a good Zola Jesus story that I’ll save for my unpublished memoirs).

But anyway, how shitty is this?

Do I not understand the artistic merit in this? Or is it just awful like I think it is.

Maybe this is ahead of it’s time.. I feel like if Mos Def came out at the end and yelled “Swag” a bunch of times it would have improved it a little right?


PORN STARS TO HOLD BJ EVENT IN HONOR OF MIAMI HEAT

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

Angelina Castro & Sara Jay’s
#TEAMBJNBA
Free Follower #BJ Event
This is Not a Joke – if Enough of You Show Up We Can Set A World Record

 Pornstars Angelina Castro & Sara Jay are making good on their promise to doll out free Tongue On Penis if the Miami Heat won the 2012 NBA championship. Here are the deets found on www.teambjnba.com:

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eXquire – “Igloo” [Audio]

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

#grimeyhipstershit


Death Grips – “Double Helix” [Video]

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

As far as low-budget creativity goes, nobody fuccin’ with Death Grips videos.


JESUS H. CHRIST vs. SWAG: THE TROOF ABOUT ASAP ROCKY

Thursday, June 28th, 2012


So this lunatic wih fangs is droppin knowledge and shit.

.


Does it get more hipster rap than this.. (where is your god now JKFGT.)

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

I mean..

HYPEBEAST + A$AP + LANA DEL REY

.. we are one Urban Outfitters gift certificate away from finding the center of the hipster rap black hole.

This hypebeast poast is the closest moment we have come as a human race to find it’s singularity.

I ain’t even gonna poast the song.


Fresh Produce w/ DJ Fashen, Knife, Tommee, & Apt One, 6/30

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

Chief Keef?? I’m going for the ignorance.

From the desk of DJ Knife:

Hoping to make Fresh Produce this Saturday equal parts Chief Keef & Barry Manilow. This is our first summertime throw down/up and Patron XO shots will be fired down your throat when we see you. Definitely gonna get ignorant. DJ Fashen in from the West Coast. Apt One will be gracing both the turntables and the based couch at Gucci Manor. Have you ever been to Good Life? It’s located at 28 Kingston Street in Boston. They got this here web site: www.goodlifebar.com. We’re all gonna be there/square Saturday night. #Crazy.


“Golden vs. Brown, Tracy Vs. Lela, Al Qaeda Vs. Jada “…Now gimme my gun back, pig!

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

Papoose told you to hit the Law Laiberry for a reason.

In this video, a Trees-type Ron Paul “My land My gunz” cult following type fgt thinks it’s a fantastic idea to stroll around downtown Portland, Maine strapped. I’ve done shows in Portland. The only reason anyone in Portland, Maine needs a gun is to kill themselves for being in Portland fucking Maine.

Watch how this fool sites past cases like Golden vs. Brown, Tracy Vs. Lela, and Al Qaeda Vs. Jada to get his burner back and keep it movin.

*** By the way, I don’t recommend any young black men attempt this bullshit no matter how well you know the law.


I think I am over Twitter..

Monday, June 25th, 2012

24 hours after actively tweeting using my twitter account @slztrz .. I have noticed one thing.

Shit is boring as fuck unless people are interacting with you.

It’s hard to get people to interact with you when you only have 18 followers.

Therefore, I am permanently retiring from Tweetering until I hit 45 followers. That is a modest goal, but a highly attainable and realistic one nonetheless.

If you want to continue seeing pure tweet gold like this:

or this

or even this..

Tell a foe or a friend to follow ya boy.

UPDATE: I think I may have spoke too soon.

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