NORTH HOLLYWOOD SWINGIN’: WHEN COMMENTERS ATTACK
From the desk of General Stoor, JTTS Los Angeles Bureau Chief
“Cause it’s ’88, time to set it straight…” -Big Daddy Kane, Ain’t No Half-steppin’
Well, really it’s 2012, but I feel compelled to bring you, my loyal readers, the pure, unadulterated truth…
So I’m at my “office” the other day when my favorite bartender, <slave name redacted>, introduces me to a gentleman who’d just sat down next to me (after originally trying to steal my seat). “Meet <slave name redacted>“, she says, “he’s a rapper too”. “My name’s <slave name redacted>“, I say, “what do you go by?” “BBB” is his reply. “Cool, I’m General Stoor.” General Stoor. Those two magic words. All of a sudden dude’s buggin out. “You’re the dude that writes for JTTS? The porn guy? Do you know Trees? Do you know DJ Onion? Is Faraone really the closeted homosexual his poasts make him out to be? Why does he listen to such shit music?” I felt like Prince Akeem in Coming to America when he ran in to the Zamundan vendor at the basketball game.
Fucking kill me. Thanks to Trees’ hard hitting “investigative journalism” all of you JTTSetters are already aware of my recent run-in with
psychopath rap superstar commenter extrodinaire, BBB a.k.a. Big Bennett Bionic. It was a watershed moment in this young man’s life. I know this because he immediately took to the interwebs to brag about meeting me. Wanna know who doesn’t brag about meeting me? Women. Know who else? Normal people.
My first ever interaction with Mr. Bionic was a virtual one. It took place in the comments section of my soon to be Pulitzer Prize nominated poast, Porn to be Wild Pt. 2. It went thusly:
Needless to say, I didn’t take him up on his offer to hang out…
Luckily for me, when we did finally meet, BBB was kind enough to explain to me what “go hard in the paint means”. It has something to do with getting banned from a North Hollywood watering hole “because the bouncers were jealous that he was pulling too many chicks”!!! I can’t make this stuff up. He did play me a pretty good song that he made though. It was called “Adrianna”, and I think it was about a pet that he had that had passed away.
Dude’s nuts. Straight up and down. After taking to UGHH with his story and having it poasted about on this very site, I receive this text from Mr. Humble:
I swear to (based) God that the only good thing to come out of all of this was getting to delve into the UGHH forum culture for the first time. Virgins of the world unite. It was all rather funny, save for one unsavory tidbit aimed at yours truly:
This dude must be from Natick. Doug Flutie sucks. You suck. Nobody talks junk about Framingham. It’s the home of such luminaries as myself, Tall Matt, Godforbid, and Jaxn. We also have a women’s prison, where, were you to comb it’s halls while waving two fistfuls of pardons, I suspect you still would not be able to get laid. I’ma see you you sissy.
Stay tuned for next time as I bring you the epic tale of my sexual exploits with a reformed(?) white supremacist chick on the evening of the epic game six of the 2011 world series.