I ran into Nabo Rawk last night downtown. He asks me how I’m doing. I tell him I quit smoking. He says, “That’s great!”  I respond, “No doubt, but now I’m addicted to prostitutes.” Our conversation was cut short because I had an appointment with Nikki at the Park Plaza Hotel in 10 minutes.

I have an addictive personality. If it’s not brown liquor, then it’s cigs, weed, or a damaged woman to fall in love with. I need to consume anything that releases a shred of an endorphine into my liquor soaked brain.

In the last 5 days, I’ve porked 7 different women. Two of them free and consentual…well, let’s just say free.

Here’s the thing. I’m gifted with the super-human powers of getting these hoooas to want me in their lives. Love me even.

Off the rip, I will disclose that I’m abnormally well endowed. Women often mistake my penis for Dikembe Mutombo. I once fucked Jackie Macmullen and she kept trying to interview my cock. I had to keep interrupting her – “That’s not an elite NBA shot blocker, Jackie, that’s my dick.”

Secondly, I get in where a lot of black men can’t. Regardless of race, women who sell their bodies typically prefer not to fux with blecks.

I’m bilingual. I can easily communicate with Charlie Brown from #PeanutGang, or Charlie Brown from L.O.N.S.

So when I walk in the door, they’re at ease. Handsome clean light-skinned well spoken bruva with glasses…and what looks like Manute Bol planking in my pants. Bishes should be paying me.

Let me break down this nigganometry. You’re a square trying to get some poosy the old fashioned way. You meet a chick, and start chipping away at the moment of troof when you get in them drawers. That’s typically gonna take you two rendevouzessss. Whatever it is, dinner, a movie, bringing liquor and weed over…that shit’s gonna cost you 60 bucks a night – at least. A nigga like me? 80 bucks one time leads to immediate sex with the woman of my choice devoid of any mind games, arguments, or the requirement to listen to an annoying ass bitch crunch potato chips in my ear while she watches The fucking Braxtons.

Join me as I reflect on three of  the the vaginal canals my illustrious penis has dominated this week.

TRINA

Trina is 5’3″ 118 pounds, Trinidadian/Somalian.

Several tatts, the best one being a giant Ben Franklin face on her back.

I made Trina have an orgasm, which lead to her hitting me up for an occasional booty call. I’ve fucked 4 free twice.

Fun Fact: Trina has a full time job as a manager somewhere, and does this for fun.

STACIE

Here’s an important lesson. When an escort poasts pictures that won’t expand, it most likely isn’t her.

Stacie was advertised as an Italian beauty offering $80 specials. Too good to be true.  When she arrived, her purple tight jeans were so tight that the zipper went half way up. She had on dirty white Baby Phat sneakers, and her speech was a little slow and calculated. Needless to say – not the Italian Bella I seent in the foto. Thing is, by the time you take a shower, finish your Private Stock, and psych yourself up for the chocha that awaits, you’re ready to stick your shit into an electric socket if need be.

Other thing is, this is obviously some runaway functional retard that a nefarious douchebag of a pimp preyed upon at a bus stop on Columbia Road. He’s the one poasting bait and switch pics of this poor snowbunny. The situation worked out in my favor.

I signed up for a half hour. However, this chick was so relieved to be in my presence and away from Huggy Bear waiting in a car outside, that she stayed for a full hour.

Fun Fact: Stacie has “Hot Girl” tatted over her breast in cursive, and asked if I had a condom when she arrived.

Nikki

5’9″ 135 Dominican/Brazilian. Body like a brick shit house. The holiest place in the universe lies between her legs.

When I entered her hotel room, I immediately considered calling my job and asking if they could cancel my direct deposit and just have all my money go into Nikki’s account. Baddest bitch ever.

After placing my stacks on the radiator and both of us undressing, Nikki freaks out cuz she can’t find her purse!

She’s frantically running around the room with her heart in her throat cuz she thinks someone took her shit. All that fucking for nuthing. All her fetti was in teh bag. Now I’m freaking out, cuz such a distraction is making my dick transform from Will Bynum to Termanology. As I suggest places for her to look, I’m vigorously rubbing my shit . Finally, she looks in the dresser next to the bed, and there it is. Nikki is soooo happy. Once again, I benefit. She went from losing everything to having a bag full of dirty money and an erect DJ ON&ON. What more could a girl wish for?

Once again, the half hour charge was waived. She overlooked protocol and sucked me raw. She cancelled her appointments and sent me to Subway to bring us back some dinner. I returned to the Park Plaza and watched the duration of Celts/Lakers basketball. My Mutombo marinated in her mouth for the last 2:00 of overtime.

I love prostitutes.