Canibus FAIL [2011 Edition]

Every few years, after climbing out from underneath whatever rock he’s currently under, Canibus makes a brief appearance above ground to with some ham-fisted, tragi-comic attempt at returning to relevancy at the expense of people who, you know, actually still have careers. As has been documented on this very site, I had my own bizarre run-in with Canibus while working as a reporter for the Boston Herald. But despite his previous beefs with LL Cool J, Eminem and myself, this latest stunt is truly the most puzzling and pathetic of them all.

For once, it didn’t start with a diss. In fact, it was the total opposite; J. Cole, a 26 year-old rapper who was not even in high school when Canibus was going all “2nd Round K.O.” on LL, has professed in numerous interviews that Bis is his favorite rapper. I believe he actually used the phrase “posters on my wall” to describe his devotion to Rip the Jacker. His DJ has even been known to play Bis tracks while warming up the crowd for Cole. So, naturally, Canibus’ response is to write an open letter on his Facebook page slamming J. Cole for “speaking about me as if I were dead.”

On a related note, no word whether Canibus ever responded to Faraone’s open letter.

He also misspelled “Eyedea.”

But I digress…

Apparently, despite being 12 albums deep, nearly all of which have sucked horribly, Canibus still feels that the only thing holding him back from having people “comprehend the jewels I continue to offer hip-hop NOW in 2012” is J. Cole and his annoying tendency to speak well of Bis and play his tracks to an audience of kids who don’t know and could care less about him, whether it’s old or new. If J. Cole really wanted to stand up for one of his favorite artists, Canibus argues, he should collaborate with him and/or subject his audience to cuts from Melatonin Magik and C of Tranquility, albums that even Chris “Stan” Faraone admits “are not Canibus at his best.” But as insanely warped and pathetic as this letter is, nobody wants to read a Canibus diss; they want to hear it, and he obliged them in what is one of the more bizarre diss records you will ever here.

It has all the hallmarks of a Canibus classic: shitty beat, cheesy sci-fi references, a bunch of no-name cameos and it clocks in at over six painful minutes. If “2nd Round K.O.” was the manifestation of anger and a burning desire to beat the competition, “J. Clone” is its exact opposite. The truth is, after so many battles sparked for so many weird reasons, Canibus spits out diss records like an involuntary reflex action. You get the feeling that halfway through the song he realizes he’s dissing a guy for calling him his favorite rapper and doesn’t know what to do, which results in probably one of the most pathetically sad lines to ever make it into a “diss” track: “It’s more than that, we could have recorded a track, you could give me a stack for a verse just like that.” I’m not sure which is more depressing: the butt-hurt feelings of some guy who’s made a ‘career’ off dissing others, or the fact that he still thinks he could get a “stack” for a verse, just like that. The whole thing is basically the equivalent of Kevin Garnett getting mad at a kid wearing his jersey from the Timberwolves.

So what’s left? A response from J. Cole? Not so fast. This is 2011, where responding to diss records is no longer fashionable and considered in poor taste. And, not wanted to be thought of as “already dead” as he claims, Canibus tries to get with the times by indulging in one of hip-hop’s current fads: the self-recorded YouTube apology. Talk about “throwing down for hip-hop.”

Thank you to the hundreds of people who commented on the J. Cole diss (“This is Trash… What the fuck is wrong with this cockhead,” “NOBODY knows your still alive,” “NEVER SPEAK AGAIN”, etc.), which is apparently the only reason he decided to issue this lame apology. This ranks up there with the post-fight Bomshot video, but no need to keep kicking dirt on Bis. No doubt he’ll be back next year with a new epic failure, but he’ll have a hard time topping this one.

Until next time…

6 Responses to “Canibus FAIL [2011 Edition]”

  1. wite Says:

    canabis is an irl crackhead

    that should clear things up for you if you didnt already know

  2. Sleezy Trees Says:

    amazing recap.

    also +1 for beefing with Canibus.

  3. mr.murph Says:

    I actually agree with bis on this. Fuck that faggot j-cole. he wack as fuck with his skinny jeans and chuck taylors. fuck him. the computer/hologram wins again.

  4. hiphhophead Says:

    wow, you’re one butt hurt faggot,suck it up pussy. i remember readin your interview and you edited it so much to paint bis in a bad light, you’re a fuckin snake

  5. Sleezy Trees Says:

    ^ canibus?

  6. Squadkar Says:

    Oh hi Wite, how’s it goin?

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