The only fools that should be complaining about Columbus day are the people that don’t have it off.
Ok, we get it.
You read Howard Zinn in college and now you feel the need to right the wrongs of the world.. You are upset because you were lied to when you are kid and now you feel the need to spread your new found knowledge of European whitewashed history around Facebook and Twitter so you can prove how progressive you are. You learned recently (probably via the internet) that Columbus and the boys enslaved and tricked native Americans into giving the whites their land and you’re pissed! I get that. We all get that. Way to construct your personal identity! Go you!
The one aspect that bothers me about all this is that no one should give a fuck. I mean, it’s history, we learned from our mistakes – and we are looking toward the future. No one is enslaving anyone today. No one is capturing new lands from indigenous peoples. It’s a fucking day off for federal workers and banks. PERIOD.
‘But wait’, you will argue – ‘why should there be a holiday to celebrate Christopher Columbus and his murdering, enslaving ways’.
Everyone loves to pick on Columbus day. I mean, my fucking Facebook timeline is filled with either dudes comparing Urkel to a hipster or people talking shit about Columbus day.
I mean, by using YOUR Columbus holiday hating logic we should also get rid of Halloween – a holiday which originated from ancient pagan tradition of burning human sacrifices around a bonfire. And while we are it, let’s get of Valentine’s day – a holiday designed to celebrate the arranged marriage of underage girls. How about President’s day – I could rattle off a list of about 15 things each President has fucked up on. You know what, while we are at it – let’s get rid of the months of July and August, named after Julius and Augustus Caesar – those emperors sure seemed like nice guys right?!
In fact, I suggest we replace every holiday with numbers. Every human being can celebrate “HOLIDAY #4” or “HOLIDAY #9”. That would be good right? How about this – don’t rub your Christian meanings in MY face. Fuck Easter, Fuck Christmas. Shit, I don’t even accept your fucking Gregorian calendar as the true meaning of time – so New Years is out the window for me too right? Let’s drain all the history and meaning behind every holiday and celebrate our bland right to be 100% politically correct humans.
In fact, even the very word HOLIDAY is actually christian in meaning – deriving from the ancient nomenclature “HOLY DAY” – so that needs to be changed too right?
How about this for a ground breaking idea; Enjoy the day off if you have it – or – please, shut the fuck up and keep it moving.