Prepare The Earth Women For My Pleasure: Chris Faraone’s Triumphant Return to JumpTheTurnStyle
I’m not sure why I stopped blogging regularly on JumpTheTurnStyle. It’s not because I had better things to do – I’ve always had better things to do. Nor has my absence been entirely to pay retribution to the infinitely lazy Trees, whose I’m-too-cool-for-this-blog schtick has more or less led to him actually thinking he’s too cool for this blog.
Not like I would have any clue, since I haven’t really checked the bitch for at least a month now. For all I know shithead could have been posting countless conspiracy theories and claims that he’s been down with Ron Paul since way back. That’s highly doubtful though, since, as you all know, he has nothing to say if I’m not blogging. He’s like the crabs that go away when I take sporadic breaks from banging degenerates.
So I’m back now. At least for a little bit, as we try and monetize this bitch at the expense of reader allegiance and integrity. You’re correct; this is one of the most illmatic returns of all time – including Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. But before logging back in, I thought it would be fun to catch you all up on what I’ve been up to for the past 30 days.
For one, I got Spotify. And unlike most of you cheap assholes, I got the premium version, which allows me to use it on as many platforms as I want. Even for someone with infinitely snobby and eclectic douchebag rap tastes like me, this is pretty much a miracle. There’s a desperate lack of Paul Barman, but otherwise my needs are met, from Qwel and Non-Phixion to Ghettosocks.
Aside from some obvious new gems – Slaine, Apathy, Evidence, and JS-1 – I’ve more or less been listening to throwback shit on Spotify. Last week was all Necro all the time, while today I’ve been getting into some old LOX joints. Which brings me to two important points: We Are The Streets has the most hilariously bad album cover of all-time (get it – they are the streets, literally!!!), and “Wild out and blow a CO just ’cause it’s boring” is the most amazingly homosexual hip-hop lyric of all-time.
On the JTTS front – and you all probably know this already – we’ve got some categories now. We even had meetings with beer and Ritalin to figure this stuff out, while Trees – who really does care – spent much valuable time designing graphics for the fresh features. I’ll get the hang of some of that stuff soon, but for now I’m just warming up. Go ahead and call it a comeback. I’m cool with that.
Since I’m balling like a bastard, I also bought an iPad, which I’m using to develop the coolest hip-hop application ever known to fans. The device is also quite good for having virtual first person bukake time with Wite’s sister-girlfriend, who’s been begging me to get back to blogging so that he has somewhere else to channel his boyish aggression.
Other than that, I went skateboarding shitfaced, covered the greatest frat rap shit show of all-time, hung with Kool Keith and anarchists, turded on the A Tribe Called Quest documentary, and enjoyed the piss out of new projects from Vast Aire, Random Axe, and Grey Sky Appeal. Most of all, though, I missed you rat bastards. See you soon you fuckers soon.