Bob Leonard Forthan for President
The 2012 presidential election is just around the corner, and for many of us, it’s an uncertain time. Unless you’re drinking the Ron Paul Kool-Aid (which doesn’t end in death, just a sad, empty feeling of failure, and water bloating), the potential candidates for President don’t inspire much hope: Sarah Palin’s self-parody is better left for reality TV; ditto for Mitt Romney, though he’s better suited as a fake TV president or reoccurring Law & Order character; Newt Gingrich seems destined to make some stupid comment while on a Boris Yeltsin-style bender very early in the campaign; and Obama? I dunno…is that guy even considered hip-hop anymore?
But in this void steps Portland, Oregon-native Bob Leonard Forthan. He’s a man of the people, taking his message to the people in a plain-speaking, no-bullshit, punctuation-optional style. Without any fancy logos or videos, he hit me up personally with an e-mail explaining why I should support his bid for the Oval Office next November. “Don’t vote for me if you want a welfare country, because first thing to go are Americas entitlements,” he writes. Upon further reading, it confirms that a Bob Leonard Forthan administration would get tough on people who think traffic lights, credit cards and street lamps are god-given rights.
- “will by order of the President, I would change almost traffic signs to stop signs this action would stop the American people from traveling long distances daily and support shopping local. If you ever had to go though a four way stop sign, you would understand, that if this was on every corner the American public, first would protest, call for my resignation, and in time understand that America spends one hundred million dollars a day on fuel, and this is draining revenue, and sending money daily to all ports around the world to feed our addiction to oil. Question how do emergency vehicles respond if the streets are congested, slow response is acceptable, emergency vehicle will travel on side and back streets.”
- I would turn off all street lamps off at night, again America spends one hundred million dollars a day in fuel, not all is gasoline, home heating oil, natural gas, are part of the one hundred million dollars a day. I don’t know if you ever been out and your area lost power, it’s very dark outside without street lamps, this would limit the America public from traveling at night, saving energy, and get the American people to share their home out of fear of the dark, how many of our older citizens live by themselves with their home heat on high with no one but themselves to heat.
- “I want to make America a cash only country, no debt or credit cards used for any reasons, not because it’s a bad ideal, but most white people can used their home, or employer as a credit or debt card, while most people of color have to sell drugs or some other sorry way to make money, and most people of color are in criminal courts, while white people are in bankruptcy courts, and as long credit and debt is for most white people, their will be no racial equality,”
Forthan’s sharp mind for broad social change doesn’t stop there. In fact, his revolutionary theory of Dome Houses, within which all of us will (fingers crossed!) soon be living, cements Forthan’s place as one of the great thinkers of our time. These internment camps/Dome Homes are a utopian combination of shopping mall/casino/palatial fast food court/living quarters…you know, someplace nice where most people of color won’t have to sell drugs.
- “If elected I will build Dome Homes, because every American needs a minimum standard of living, a place to eat, sleep, a personal computer, cell phone, and microwave oven for all who wants live inside the dome homes. Now Dome Homes are structures, that will house less than five thousand people, for example a central large dome structure where again people eat, attend school, entertainment. Then smaller dome type structures all attached to the larger dome home for people to sleep, care for the old, infant care, and again all tenants will have their own room with personal computer, cell phone, and microwave oven. All tenants will have a choice of what , when, and where they eat, for example dome homes will have a 24/7, buffet food, left over food will be frozen and made into frozen dinners and ate later for profit. All dome homes will have Burger Kings, McDonalds restaurants, stores where you could buy anything needed inside a dome home rooms, bars, casinos.”
More jaw-dropping rare Aztecs jewels of wisdom from Forthan include:
- “America has more entertainment than any were on the planet, and I think it’s the presidents job to save the country by any means possible, and that means no gun control. For example, would as many people attend a N.B.A. basketball game if their were no gun control, just think of the twenty thousand people attending a basketball game with most people carrying a loaded gun, or all the colleges, high schools, and grade schools, and the many activities were the parents are carrying guns. Now my point is this would save the environment, most if not all school activities would be canceled, saving the planet from global warming. Furthermore the American public would travel by day and not by night, and the little old lady who lives by herself, in her house with the room temperature unbearably high, would fine some roommates, plus more people stay together for safety reasons, and saving the environment.”
- “Also if someone is murdered the government will act swiftly to terminate that persons life, but if someone is in a far gunfight they’re be let off free from any arrest warrants, sounds like the wild west days.”
From this point on, you’re either with us (the Forthanians, as I’ve coined them…I mean us) or with the terrorists, so man up and choose a side. At the end of the e-mail, he specifically mentions the need for a HISPANIC VP, preferably someone with experience writing for a shitty rap blg. There’s hope for me yet it seems.