We know – you’re sick of this fucking Skip Gates story already. The cable news networks have been especially relentless; I just watched Larry King and Larry Elder circle jerk to no result with Ben Stein and Mike Dyson taking turns on one another.

So since you’re tired of combing the news, we’ve done some work for you and found two great pieces that swings impressive jabs at the situation – one from Slate and another from the New Yorker.

The first one is by my former professor Christopher Hitchens, who took the Trees approach in what I feel is an exceptional article on Slate…

Last Memorial Day, I was going in a taxi down to Washington, D.C.’s Vietnam Memorial when a police car cut across the traffic and slammed everything to a halt. Opening the window and asking what the problem was and how long it might last, I was screeched at by a stringy-haired, rat-faced blond beast, who acted as if she had been waiting all year for the chance to hurt someone. (She was wearing a uniform that I had helped pay for.)

READ THE WHOLE SLATE PIECE HERE…

The second is from the New Yorker, where satirist John Kenney dreamed up a drunken conversation between all the parties involved…

The Oval Office. Late. President Obama sits across from Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and Officer James Crowley, who share a couch. They sit amidst several empty beer bottles. No one’s wearing shoes.

CROWLEY: Can I say something? And I mean this. Ya know what’s awesome is pizza.

GATES: Pizza is awesome. Why is it so awesome?

OBAMA: We could go get pizza right now. I have a plane.

GATES: That’s awesome.

OBAMA: I could pick up the phone right now, get the plane, we could go to Italy for pizza.

CROWLEY: You’re amazing. And really good-looking.

GATES: You are good looking. You’re a very good-looking man.

OBAMA: I like giving speeches. I like press conferences.

CROWLEY: You give a lot of press conferences. Maybe, like, too many?

GATES: I think he’s right. Maybe don’t give so many.

OBAMA: But you should see the speeches I have lined up. They’re all so…emotional. I’ve got a new one on infrastructure that quotes Rosa Parks for no reason. But it makes you cry.

READ THE WHOLE NEW YORKER PIECE HERE…

As you likely know – former-vagrant-turned-alt-rap-icon Cage is one of our preferred artists here at JTTS; just last month he made our 100 Greatest Rappers of All-Time list (which I promise to continue soon).

His new disc – Depart From Me – isn’t the easiest listen. But damn if that shit doesn’t eat away at you. Anyone who’s interested in my review can CHECK IT HERE. Otherwise – just be sure to peep homey at Harpers Ferry this Friday.

Even if you’re too cool to like his old shit or too nostalgic for the new joints, I’m sure there will be a little something for ya. There had better be; I can’t really live without seeing “Agent Orange” live at least once every three years.

This is the kind of video that makes you think. Think like ‘Maybe I should have been a rapper instead of a lowly internet blogger’ or ‘What happened to my daughter?’ Makes you think about the state of groupiedom in this here hip-hop game.

I have nothing against groupies and in no way to I wish to offend all of groupies who one day dream of getting with a JTTS blogger (you yet have hope). Actually, I’ll defend these girls from the venom that will surely be spat upon them once this video makes its rounds through their high school. Because chances are, male or female, if you have a pulse, there is somebody who you would break all rules of decorum and decency to sleep with. Be it Brad Pitt, Kelly Karloff, young Goldie Hawn, Sleazy Treez and yes, even Gucci Mane. If you had the chance to fuck Megan Fox and you refused out of loyalty to your girl, she ought to be the first one in line to taze you right in your dusty, unused sack for such reckless arrogance. Exclusivity in relationships is overrated, especially when Megan Fox is somehow involved.

My only gripe with these promising young women is the subject of their obsession. Fucking Gucci Mane won’t really impress to many people outside the slutty circle these chicks run with. With any luck, Gucci himself will be trying to fuck girls off the back of a milk carton very shortly. I’m not here to judge like I said, but come on–give your kids a cool story to tell while their at the playground. Quality over quantity applies even in the case of groupies. Fuck Lil Wayne, fuck Bushwick Bill–hell, fuck Craig Mack and you’ll have a better story to tell–and a trump card to play against all your groupie friends when comparing who you’ve done.

Groupies, keep the dream alive. JTTS salutes you. Never, never give up hope.

So I was surprised to see that I somehow got backslapped in the comment section for a post that I did not write – and that was not written about me. The culprit was Trill Gates – a (now) former regular gadfly who likes to talk crazy shit as if his opinion matters. This time he had a beef with my sharing MY Boston Phoenix coverage here on JumpTheTurnStyle. You know – because why would I want hip-hop fans to read my articles?

Baseless hating – nothing more. So – in honor of Mr. Gates (the one who isn’t a computer billionaire, and who probably lives with mommy), here are my last three Phoenix reviews (Trife, Will C, and Rock the Bells). And for the record – I’m not really provoking this shithead; as he noted in his last comment, Gates will no longer be visiting JTTS, so he won’t see this. Inside sources say that it’s because he’s extremely busy with his new toy.

There’s a clear difference between legendary buzzer beaters, like the Ghostface-assisted “Live Nigga Night Out,” and shots that miss the net, like “Listen Carefully.” Trife has an Ironman looming in his future, and given how long he’s ridden the bench (besides which, he’s far too strong an MC to suffer a sophomore slump), his hat trick might very well come next time he steps into the crease.

READ THE FULL TRIFE REVIEW HERE…

The old adage that says “if you want to work in television, you should start by mopping floors at NBC” is usually bullshit. Janitors remain janitors, and good-looking assholes with connections climb the ladder. But the apprentice route has developed an infinitely learned beat scholar and inventor in Will C., Boston’s 22-year-old Brick Records do-it-all employee who is best known for his mix compilations of rare ’80s rap-radio finds and for cameo appearances on Esoteric albums.

READ FULL WILL C. REVIEW HERE…

About three songs into the epic final set of this year’s Rock the Bells – a dream-like materialization of the fanatically anticipated Nas and Damian Marley collabo project – the hot dog that I buried as a late-afternoon drinking base began to sneak up my esophagus. I made it from my seat to the exit aisle, where I projected a chunky wet stream of stomach ooze. Imagine Lardass from Stand by Me; a few ushers in my way even caught some of the shrapnel shooting through my fingers.

READ MY FULL ROCK THE BELLS RECAP HERE…

As some of you might know, a lot of these here hip-hop bangers are really little more than a bunch of guys rapping over recycled music. In fact, that’s the reason that so many older white folks distrust boom bap. They see these it as cheap theft, and in most cases they’re correct.

But what those turds fail to acknowledge is how MCs and rap producers can make songs better. I mean – Dido without Eminem is like Harold Melvin without heroin – he’d never go platinum. And on that note, check out this dope Janko Nilovic song that No ID sampled for Death of Auto-Tune (D.O.A.). And be sure to use the information at parties to look cool.

A few months ago, Trees had a wildly successful post about how Camron is – at least as far as wardrobe goes – the gayest rapper. But the truth is that there’s a lot of ironic gay shit in hip-hop. The guys over at Rap-Up have a good post here about covers that should come with “No Homo” disclaimers. Also: for all those of you who think big-time rappers like Eminem and Lil Wayne have problems with gay people – just know that they’re surrounded by flamboyant stylists and make-up artists all day long.

CHECK ‘EM ALL HERE…

I adore my adopted city of Boston, but I still retreat home to New York at least once a month to check out shows. The underground scene there (obviously) remains banging; you can (still!) catch dope sets nearly every night at either Bowery Poetry or Nuyorican, not to mention End of the Weak on Sunday.

The latter is where I met Kats, who earlier this week shot over the above video for his new cut with illspokinn (of Spokinn Movement), Domer, and DJ SmutVillain. The clip is both fresh and violent, as chairs are gratuitously smacked over heads. Enjoy, and – lastly – anyone who can tell me two other tracks that used this same beat (or even the same sample) gets a picture of their big ugly mug posted on JumpTheTurnStyle.

We’ve got different opinions / You feel women should be Christian sitting home knitting and watching children / I feel women should be stripping and sinning – syringes in ‘em tripping while their pimp brainwashes ‘em in a building – Necro, “Light My Fire”

I grew up watching such lyrically cunning MCs as Kool G Rap and Kool Keith not-so-metaphorically smack down women. And back then there were consequences: Old schoolers risked getting sued and picketed, and they had to be inventive with their flows. Keith left his “style written on your cooch;” 2 Live publicly crucified their political nemesis Tipper Gore; G Rap went so far as to warn pedestrians to continue walking past when he’s whooping on a girl’s ass. I’m just not hearing that sort of chauvinistic audacity lately.

READ IT ALL HERE

YOU WON’T REGRET IT. UNLESS YOU’RE A FUCKING PRUDE…

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If you saw Obama’s news conference last night.. you’re probably caught the little bit where he stood up for the black Harvard professor; Henry Louis Gates Jr. who was arrested for trying to break into his own house.

I shit you not.. and my roomates can attest to this.. LITERALLY, THIS EXACT FUCKING situation happened to me less than two months ago.. EXCEPT… I was arrested by 5 BLACK POLICE OFFICERS.

Let me break this down. 2 months ago, I was drunk as shit.. I was trying to break into my apartment because I had my keys confiscated by a bartender @ the Good Life. When the break in attempts failed.. I thought to myself.. “Fuck it”.. and layed down on my front porch and passed out.

20 minutes later I awoke to 4 police cars and 5 or 6 BLACK POLICE OFFICERS surrounding me. I stood up and started walking towards them.. and they begin shouting and cursing at me. I tried to explain that this was my house and I was locked out. I went to reach for my ID and the officers told me to get my hands “THE FUCK OUT OF MY POCKETS”. I didn’t know what to do.. and the next thing I knew I was in handcuffs in the back of the police cruiser. The officers took me 300 yards down the road to the Jamaica Plain police station where they questioned me.. and eventually dropped the charges and let me go.

WHERE IS THE FUCKING JUSTICE FOR ME? I DEMAND AN APOLOGY FROM ALL THE BLACK JAMAICA PLAIN POLICE OFFICERS!! I WANT OBAMA TO STICK UP FOR MY RACE IN A PRESS CONFERENCE !! I DEMAND SOCIAL EQUALITY FOR PEOPLE OF NON-COLOR !! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH WAAAAAHHHH !!

Just because you read a few books, doesn’t mean that you can mouth off to police officers..

Hey Gates.. You want change in this country? You’re a smart little faggot. Limit their power. Set up an independent branch of local government to police the fucking police. But shut the fuck up about racism already.. it’s 2009. We have a black president. Stop whining. Every five minutes with the fucking race card in this country.

Loyal readers will know that JTTS founder Sleezy Trees is obsessed with Karmaloop model Kelly Karloff because they’ll remember this post simply focused on how hot she is, and this post where he asserts that JTTS has launched her career. Well, now Kelly has her own segment on Karmaloop TV where she answers all of your perverted questions (see the first episode below).

It’s not that exciting. What really interests me is this post from TheDirty.com where a former partner in the company explains why he or she left. Check it out below…

Sooo, this interests me since UGHH used to work with Karmaloop on a regular basis. Which partner at the company leverages his status to run through young New England hipsters? Let me know the word on the street in the comments section. Also make sure to check out the hilarious comments from the original post on the dirty here.

As viewers and readers of national news likely know by now, Harvard professor and renowned scholar Henry Louis (a/k/a Skipp) Gates Jr. was arrested in his Cambridge home last Thursday, when police allegedly thought that the nerdy academic was breaking into his own home.

I’m not here to debate who was right and who was wrong (though I’m sure you’ll all enlighten me in the comment section). I just want to recognize something that most news organizations have been leaving out of coverage – that Gates Jr. earned stripes in the early 90s by coming to the defense of 2 Live Crew (excerpt from his testimony below).

2 Live Crew’s “exuberant use of hyperbole (phantasmagoric sexual organs, for example) undermines — for anyone fluent in black cultural codes — a too literal-minded hearing of the lyrics. This is the street tradition called ‘signifying’ or ‘playing the dozens,’ which has generally been risque.”

I’m hoping that Skip will join Fresh Kid Ice and Brother Marquis on stage at the Middle East this Friday, when 2 Live brings its butt bongo fiesta to Cambridge. What better opportunity could there be to whip out a few dicks and swing ‘em at a pig? Reunion? I think so.

As some of our Boston-based readers may already know, I’m a regular contributor to that fine, daily tabloid newspaper known as the Boston Herald. For the record–NO, I’m not down with Howie Carr. I don’t often post up articles I’ve written for the paper here, but today is the exception. I spoke with JAM’N 94.5–and JTTS staff member (holla)–DJ ON&ON last week about his upcoming TV show ‘Launchpad TV,’ which brings his top-rated underground hip-hop show (of which JTTS is the official archive for) to cable-access TV. This post is not the version seen in today’s Herald but actually the full version I originally wrote before it was edited; basically the same but with some more details. If you haven’t heard or don’t understand the unique flavor (no homo) ON&ON brings to Boston every week, you’re about to find out. If you already know–be warned. This ain’t UGHH TV bitches.

Launchpad TV premieres tomorrow (Thursday) at 12 Midnight on Boston Neighborhood Network–Comcast Channel 23/RCN Channel 83

Read Boston Herald article here

Read full JTTS version after the jump

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