So, It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’m working on recounting the story of my cruise to the Bahamas. It will be long, but it will be worth it. In the meantime I thought I’d let everyone in on one of the many ways that I entertain myself.

About 4 months ago I received a text message that read: “Kelsy?” I, of course, am not Kelsy and initially decided to ignore the text, but when I received the following message, “Hey kelsy this is josh remember”, I decided that this opportunity was too good to pass up. I became Kelsy and proceeded to send absolutely absurd test messages to this guy, but he never caught on. There’s no way that any female human being on earth would say the things that I said to this kid, and yet he still believed that I was his friend Kelsy. Because I have a lot of free time, I transcribed these text message conversations and have included them in this post. My commentary is bracketed and in italics.

Josh: Kelsy?
Josh: Hey kelsy this is josh remember
Kelsy: Hey what’s up, of course I remember!
[Yes, this is a gay response, but I wanted him to think that I was a girl]
Josh: What u ben up to
Kelsy: not much, just been working pretty hard and spending time with jesus, you?
[Jesus is make believe, get over it]
Josh: Jesus? And not much just working
Kelsy: Yeah, where are you working now?
Josh: Pizza parlor lmao wheb did u go to jesus
Josh: So what you doing right now
Kelsy: Just switching between cinemax porn and the cooking channel. I have my support group meeting early tomorrow morning so I’m just gonna stay in tonight
Josh: Fun lol so how’s larry and u doing? Haven’t talked to you in awhile
Kelsy: I don’t talk to larry anymore
Josh: Y not?
Kelsy: I caught him jacking off to piss porn
Josh: Lmao and that’s y lmao
Kelsy: All I have to say is that jesus never jacked off to piss porn, all he does is take the wheel
[Carrie Underwood "Jesus Take the Wheel", it's country music]
Josh: Hmmmmm but jesus was human at one point so he did have thoughts I don’t know I say each person has bad thoughts no matter who it is guess that makes me a class in my own way
[That made no sense]
Kelsy: I’m not sure what you just said but reading your text reminded me of my abortion. That’s not very nice on your part
Josh: Sorry didn’t mean too I’ll try n stay out of that section of thought so you have changed a lot
Kelsy: Not really maybe it’s you who’s changed
Josh: Meh maybe but no one can ever stay the same as they once were
Josh: R u mad at me
Josh: Hello?
Josh: U are mad at me aren’t u. Y?
[Who says this?]
Kelsy: No sorry I was pooping
Josh: Lmao
Kelsy: Everyone poops
Josh: Lol  I know
Kelsy: How would you describe me?
[What makes Kelsy tick?]
Josh: Huh well right now hard working abd forgiving but strict too its hard for me to describe people what do you describe me as
Kelsy: rapist with a heart of gold
Josh: Huh? Rapist?
Kelsy: Shhh, I’ll never tell
Josh: Lmao ok ok well anyways what have u ben up to since I’ve seen u last
Kelsy: I wrote my own bible specifically for cat lovers but it hasn’t been published yet. I also became a salad chef. I found out that the reason I was getting all those infections was my vulva is shaped wrong. U?
Josh: Work lmao and probation lol
Kelsy: All you got for rape was probation? Did you rape a dog or something?
Josh: Lmao I didn’t get arrested for rape dumb dumb lmao remember
Josh: Poke u still alive
Kelsy: Please stop with the faggotry, it’s making my herp act up. If you had to have sex with a guy who would it be?
[Dramatic irony]
Josh: Um no one really lol I’m not finding any guys attractive at all
Kelsy: I think you meant to say carrot top
Josh: Lmao hell no
Kelsy: Carrot top has red hair and you just said hell, you’re so gay for carrot top. Jesus would never have sex with carrot top. Jesus saved himself for Dana Carvey
Josh: So… Any new boyfriends or girlfriends
Kelsy: No I’m being celibate until sarah palin becomes president
Josh: Who?
Kelsy: You don’t know who sarah palin is? Are you alive right now? Jesus is upset with you
Josh: Meh lol still don’t know her
Kelsy: who did you vote for?
Josh: Can’t vote I’m a felon remember
Kelsy: Ok
Josh: Lol night

Not too eventful, but good fun for me. I thought that was the last I would hear from Josh, but a few months later he hit me up again to ask some more stupid questions.

Josh: Hey kelsy this is josh what’s up
Kelsy: hey I just pooped a baby from my vag. Let me clean the toilet
Josh: Huh? U had a baby?…
Josh: Poke poke u still alive?
Kelsy: I was pregnant but I took an abortion pill so now I can stop punching myself in the stomach
Josh: Lol geez so sex has ben good I see lol
Kelsy: It was artificial insemination. I didn’t really understand the entire process when I agreed to do it
Josh: Lol ah so u impregnated yourself lol gotcha so how larry u two still working good together
Kelsy: He’s my bitch
Josh: What?! Lol how and how is sex lol
[This dude is obsessed with this Larry guy's dick prowess]
Kelsy: It happens when I’m drunk and violent
Josh: U get sex when drunk n violent?
Kelsy: That’s the only time when I feel comfortable threatening people with my gun
Josh: Lol y do u threaten him with your gun
Kelsy: It makes my butt tingle
Josh: Huh ok lol so sex is good I guess
Kelsy: Are you still stroking cocks in the back of that pizza shop like dirk diggler?
[pwned]
Josh: Um no I don’t work at the pizza parlor anymore
Kelsy: Cool. What’s your pick for the super bowl?
[The Cardinals will eat the Steelers' chillens]
Josh: Neither cards suck and stels suck to so I’m not going to watch
Kelsy: What teams do you think are good?
Josh: Raiders and broncos
[Both of those teams suck balls]
Kelsy: Yeah the lions are really good too
[Sarcasm]
Josh: They are alright
[This idiotic response caused me to lose interest in the entire conversation]
Josh: So what u doing right now
Josh: Poke poke u alive

I received the following messages the next night…

Josh: Whats up kelsy this is josh
Josh: Hey kelsy this is Joshua b**ay whats up
Josh: Kelsy do u hate me this is josh

I remembered that Josh was on probation, so I looked up the crime that he committed since he told me his full name. He was sent to jail for ARMED ROBBERY! That’s not a normal crime to commit; a person who commits that crime frightens me. When I learned this information I decided that I didn’t want Josh to hunt me down when he finds out that I don’t have tits, so I decided to stop responding to him. I’ve gotten various incarnations of the messages above including, “why don’t you talk to me?”, “why do you hate me?”, so I’m pretty sure this kid is gonna hang himself in his basement. But whatever, it means that I’m safe from his borderline mentally-retarded wrath. Also, my friends, various family members, and readers of JTTS got a laugh at his expense, so it’s worth it.

P.S. I just realized how stupid this post is; better late than never.