The Tale Of The Mantern

By DJ Knife

In case you didn’t catch it the first time, half the JTTS staff resides in Jamaica Plain, a neighborhood in Boston populated by hippies, weirdoes, aging scenesters, lesbians, elves and fairies. Last week DJ Knife and Treez took part in the Jamaica Pond Lantern Festivus, which by all counts is the oddest way to ring in the fall.

Our first task was to construct a paper lantern to guide us on our 2-mile journey around the enchanted toilet that is Jamaica Pond. Since Knife just came back from Blanchards, we easily constructed a “mantern”┬ámade from a miller highlife 12-pack and a doo-rag sent from one of our faithful readers in Dover NH. (Thanks Ethan!)

After getting liquored up, we decided the only way to truly experience this magical of all evenings was to slap a Knight’s costume on Treez and greet families with weak theatrical banter. This worked like a charm. Droves of police and stroller pushing semi-milfs had no idea we were a bunch of drunken assholes there to rag on people.

Sadly thinking we would weird people out, our merry crew of misfits fit right in. Halfway there we noticed a 40-year old woman, dressed as Winnie The Pooh, dressed as a pirate.

We arrived at the pond shortly after Gandalf’s fireworks display.

The first thing I saw was a father pushing his son in a full bumblebee costume, bearded dudes passing out plastic goblets of apple cider and long curly haired women dressed like high school art teachers. A hippie band was playing, the kind that would make steam blow out of Faraone’s ears like Popeye, and everyone was feeling the mellow vibe.

Halfway through the journey, it was clear we missed most of the festival. We were just a bunch of douche bags walking around with a weak Iparty costume and miller highlife box.

As the first light of dawn began to show on what was left of the celebration, we then realized we were sadly tricked. The whole thing was just a youth mural painted on a wall behind the liquor store.

We abandoned the sword and the mantern and lived happily ever after (No homo).

The End

12 Responses to “The Tale Of The Mantern”

  1. Sleezy Trees Says:

    Excuse me fair maiden, Dost thou wish to partake in thine swallowing of the sacred Vodka from my Dunkin Donuts waterskin?

  2. Martin Caballero Says:

    i need to get the fuck outta brookline

  3. Mark Says:

    Nice chain-mail Trees.

  4. knife Says:

    BROOKLINE FUCKING BLOWS. you gotta get outta there. our new roommate just escaped from her nice brookline apt to our slum jp shithole

  5. TheDance Says:

    You guys finally got a girl roommate? How has the social dynamic in the apartment changed? Does Trees have to wear pants?

  6. knife Says:

    yo we’ve had PLENTY of girl roommates. the only difference is this one is in fact a girl. not just a crazy beast with female parts. (PS i’m only talking about a couple of you bitches. some of you were real cool girls. you know who you are)

  7. knife Says:

    ps. the first two questions we always ask is

    “what do you think about that weak sword on the wall?”

    “what’s your opinion on doods wearing no shirts in the living room?”

  8. Martin Caballero Says:


  9. Chris Faraone Says:

    Hilarious. I thought I missed out on something for a minute.

  10. knife Says:

    No sir. Just your average Weirdo JP fest. Kinda like the JP worlds fair. We went toi that last year and a cop was breaking up a fight between an autistic boy and his mother.

  11. DJ ON&ON Says:

    I’d rather have Joe The Plumber loudly recite Mein Kampf in my ears while undergoing exploratory knee surgery sans anesthesia – than spend an evening partaking in this culturally yt doucherry. Good day.

  12. knife Says:


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