The Tale Of The Mantern
By DJ Knife
In case you didn’t catch it the first time, half the JTTS staff resides in Jamaica Plain, a neighborhood in Boston populated by hippies, weirdoes, aging scenesters, lesbians, elves and fairies. Last week DJ Knife and Treez took part in the Jamaica Pond Lantern Festivus, which by all counts is the oddest way to ring in the fall.
Our first task was to construct a paper lantern to guide us on our 2-mile journey around the enchanted toilet that is Jamaica Pond. Since Knife just came back from Blanchards, we easily constructed a “mantern” made from a miller highlife 12-pack and a doo-rag sent from one of our faithful readers in Dover NH. (Thanks Ethan!)
After getting liquored up, we decided the only way to truly experience this magical of all evenings was to slap a Knight’s costume on Treez and greet families with weak theatrical banter. This worked like a charm. Droves of police and stroller pushing semi-milfs had no idea we were a bunch of drunken assholes there to rag on people.
Sadly thinking we would weird people out, our merry crew of misfits fit right in. Halfway there we noticed a 40-year old woman, dressed as Winnie The Pooh, dressed as a pirate.
We arrived at the pond shortly after Gandalf’s fireworks display.
The first thing I saw was a father pushing his son in a full bumblebee costume, bearded dudes passing out plastic goblets of apple cider and long curly haired women dressed like high school art teachers. A hippie band was playing, the kind that would make steam blow out of Faraone’s ears like Popeye, and everyone was feeling the mellow vibe.
Halfway through the journey, it was clear we missed most of the festival. We were just a bunch of douche bags walking around with a weak Iparty costume and miller highlife box.
As the first light of dawn began to show on what was left of the celebration, we then realized we were sadly tricked. The whole thing was just a youth mural painted on a wall behind the liquor store.
We abandoned the sword and the mantern and lived happily ever after (No homo).