So, about a week ago I was greeted with this craziness posted in my building’s elevator. Because I love crazy people, and hope to aggravate whatever condition is the source of their crazy, I’ve composed this letter that I will copy onto lined paper and post in my building’s elevator in the same way that the previous letter was posted. This task will be completed late tonight in order to maximize potential viewing time; the cleaning people will undoubtedly tear it down around 3 pm tomorrow. Here’s the letter (I highly recommend reading the letter that inspired this post before reading this one):

“To Whom it May Concern (The Cursed):

You know who you are. You stole a package from in front of my door on Friday, October 10th. On October 16th, my daughter wrote you a letter and posted it on the elevator warning you of your fate. You have not returned the package, so you obviously don’t understand the true power of Juju. My daughter’s Juju has nowhere near as much power as my Juju. She promised that you will receive her tears, struggles, pain, and unhappy times, and I am adding that if the package is not returned to where you found it by Thursday, October 23rd you will also receive her phobias (carrots, sponges), credit score (450), family medical history (cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, down syndrome), webbed feet, and learning disability.
Originally I was summoning the Juju from my monkey foot, but now that I know your true nature, I will be summoning the Juju from my 1986 Fleer Michael Jordan Rookie Card (street value: $1,500), which is much more powerful. Prepare to be devastated by my curse. I hope there is a point when you ask yourself, “Was stealing a box of collectible, porcelain bird figurines worth my life’s demise?”, and you realize that it was not. By then, though, it will be too late. I am unfuckwittable!”

I’ll let you know how this plays out.

*************Update***************

The letter is posted as of 12:13 am EST on October 22nd.

I had to ride the elevator about 6 times before I found myself in a position to tape it to the wall without my identity being known, but it was worth it. I hope the crazy witch lady posts a letter in reply.