So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything because I’ve been traveling around the continental United States trying to convince myself that I’m important, but today I bring you a real gem. Upon entering the elevator of my building this morning, I saw a handwritten letter posted on the wall. I have copied this letter in its entirety, and it is posted below (note – all grammatical and spelling errors are those of the original author):

_____________________________________________________________

To whom it may concern:
If you removed a package from someone’s door on Friday the 10th this letter is addressed to you. This economy is hard for everyone, and your case or situation is no different than anybodys. That does not justify you stealing and taking that which does not belong to you. Imagine having a package delivered to your door and someone takes it, how would you feel? I’m a struggling student who does not have any extra money to throw away. Who gives you the right to be so inconsiderate as to steal from me.  I want you to return that package back to the door that you took it and leave an apology letter. If not, I’m now laying a curse on you until you do so. By taking/stealing that package you have taken all my tears, struggles, pain, unhappy things, and etc. whether past, present, future. You have relieved me of all my poverty and struggles by stealing from me.  You are cursed with and will forever be stricken with poverty and unhappiness until you return that package. You will rot in jail for stealing or just rot in jail. So please, return that package to where you took it from.

I don’t know anything about the author of this letter; however, the handwriting suggests that it’s a girl, and due to the “cursing” aspect of this correspondence, I’m pretty sure the author is a witch. I suspect that this witch went to public school, I’ve heard that Miami public schools are some of the worst in the country. Also, what could’ve been in this package to make her so upset? Was it the last box of the discontinued Today Sponge?

My roommate’s girlfriend swears by these

What I do know, is that I will never steal a package from anyone in my building because my liver might end up in their holiday recipe.