Hip Hop Republicans Amongst Us
“I’ll never have dinner with the president! I’ll never have dinner with the President?”–Ice Cube, No Vaseline
Here at JTTS, we enjoy a good shit-show, big or small. That’s why we are a bit pissed our all-access press passes to the Democratic National Convention in Denver seem to have been either lost in the mail or in some cases sold to the highest bidding, most doe-eyed Obamaniac at one of Boston’s many fine liberal colleges and universities. Participating in our nation’s democratic process may be important, but its a whole other thing when you got cold hard cash in your hand and a ride to AJ Wright. Enough said.
But that doesn’t mean that once I’m chilling in my Scarface slippers I all of a sudden forget about politics. I tuned in to the show last night and caught a bit of Ted Kennedy’s speech (impressive, he old yo) and Michelle Obama’s (impressive, she FINE yo). In the meantime, there’s lots of shiny things and happy music to fill in the gaps. As expected, some of the biggest name performers will be hip hop artists; N.E.R.D. will jam, and Kanye West will undoubtedly upstage Obama with some “never give up your dreams” spiel at the end of his 3 hour laser-light show set.
But that got me thinking–what about the Republicans? Surely the GOP would like to dabble in some inoffensive “hip hop-related” fare to get the blood flowing in their throng of zealous, balls-on-the-truck supporters during their convention next week. They’ve got the usual chest-thumping, flag-waving ass turds on the roster (Kid Rock, anyone who’s been involved in a Ford Truck commercial), but where are the rappers? No matter that John McCain is older than Kool Herc‘s Jamaican great-grandparents–the GOP needs to get these young whipper-snappers involved with some hippin’ and hoppin’.
So in doing some research, I came across a blog called hiphoprepublican.com. This site is devoted to the mythical, mysterious minority group that supports both Dubya and WC, bombin’ and Common: the hip hop republican. Who are these people and how do they operate? How can you tell if you are in the presence of a hip hop republican? How will they affect the upcoming presidential election? Here’s a few traits they might exhibit:
- A hip hop republican believes that “extreme” methods of interrogation and incarceration without trial in places like Guantanamo Bay are necessary to win the war against terror. But instead of zapping your balls, they would employ more vicious methods like playing the entire No Limit catalogue from beginning to end. “Oh you thought MP Da Don was just one disc huh? Huh? It’s not over bitch!” (Eds. note–JTTS does not condone the use of torture or the irresponsible use of Master P‘s MP Da Don album in a civilian setting.)
- A hip hop republican is pro-life. He/she would use the widows of ODB and Eazy-E as examples of how having a kid gives mothers an economic stake in the considerable wealth left behind when a rapper dies.
- A hip hop republican is tough on aggressive foreign powers. They would organize events with names like “I Declare War” and expose pictures of Kim Jung-Il and Chris Faraone–er, that Iranian president guy–as kids in ballerina outfits on a Jumbotron. Lesser rivals would be taunted with claims of “You Mad!”
- A hip hop republican believes we need to get tough on immigration policies. That means blaming South Park Mexican for stealing all our good jobs.
- A hip hop republican may look like Deon from “I Want to Work for Diddy.”
- A hip hop republican believes that we shouldn’t “cut and run” from Iraq despite all the evidence that seems to be screaming “CUT AND RUN MOTHERFUCKER!!!” (in Arabic). His solution: Ghostface Killah (“send me to Iraq I come back with don heat/Teeth, less than a week they be callin’ me Chief of Defense, cause I sure do cook when it’s beef”)
- A hip hop republican takes care of his friends, black sheep siblings and less-talented buddies from back in the day who didn’t make it. See: Peanut Butter Wolf, Nas, 50 Cent, Diplomats, Dave Mays…
- A hip hop republican would employ questionable tactics to make sure their rival was defeated. See: guy who jacked Young Berg for his chain.
In conclusion, the hip hop republican may not be as rare as originally believed. They walk amongst us almost invisibly, only making their presence known when comfortably surrounded by rednecks and placated senior citizens. But don’t be scared–just because you may not agree with them doesn’t make hip hop Republicans bad people. In this critical time of our nation’s history, we need to move forward as a group, and if that means a couple Transformers chains gotta be snatched up, then hey, God Bless America.